Total Breakdown

I woke up in just a ball of sweat. My heart was racing and my chest felt like I just got knocked right in the stomach. I ran to the bathroom because I started to feel dizzy.

Again, my day started at around 2am. Just like clockwork.

I then just sat on the bathroom floor. I don’t even know why but feeling the cool bathroom floor tiles kind of calmed me down. Melon entered the room with her head hung low. I waved her over and she pressed her cold wet nose right onto my bicep.

I was just sitting there holding my head with both hands. All I could think about was everything at once. Everything that has ever stressed me out just hit me like a freight train.

I had another dream of my girl last night, but this one was not so good.

In recent events she told me her ex surfaced again and admitted he still loves her. Now I trust her with every blood cell in my body and I really appreciated her telling me this. I know she wont hide anything from me that is important.

But it’s not her that I’m so worried about. I know she’s a strong woman who wont cave in to lies being told to her no matter how convincing they seem. She’s the woman who stands her ground and is willing to face any situation head on to resolve the issue (God she is amazing).

It’s just this guy though. I don’t know a thing about him. All I know is that he’s the most recent ex and I don’t know what the conversation was like. And she never mentions him by name. I don’t know what his next move is on trying to win her back and that’s what freaks me out the most. I can’t do a thing about it.

I don’t want to bud in to the situation because I don’t want to get in the way of her facing it. I don’t want to annoy her because its her business and not mine. But its just like watching on the side lines and hoping it ends in your favor. You can’t do a thing about it and just hope your team wins.

That’s all that was going on in my head. I was wondering what he’s going to do, how he’s going to do it, and worst of all what if he succeeds.

One thing that has happened to me is that almost every single person I’ve dated has cheated on me and, worst of all, lied about it. Even to those I’ve been engaged to. Always seeing them being secretive with their texts, leaving in the middle of the night, and not returning until the next day. They always told me they were with “friends”.

Yeah. Those are the parts of the relationships I never tell. Me sleeping alone wondering where they are at. Always getting fed lies about their whereabouts. And then all of the sudden I’m the bad guy for asking questions.

I, one day, made the mistake and saw a text pop up on my ex’s phone from one of her ex boyfriends. That probably explains my lack of trust in relationships. Things really tend to mess with you once it happens over and over again.

I think that’s another reason why I fall so many times and have trouble getting back up. I’ve been wondering what was it that I didn’t do for them. I tried to be the best and yet the people from their past always seem to win.

I know I mess up a lot but its like no matter how hard I try to fix things who ever I am with they always go back to who they were with. Maybe its just what they were used to and I’m too different for them to handle.

I’ve heard that I’m too nice and that I just do whatever for them that it makes it too easy for them to sneak around me.

One thing that I didn’t mention to my girl is that my recent ex also showed up. She always makes a “mistake” and sends me a text. I then call her back telling her it needs to stop.

She did this to me last week.

I got a text saying “Oh my god Will Gardner dies!” (The Good Wife).

We used to watch that show everyday with each other. It wasn’t a bad show but that’s not the point. I knew that she was also doing the same thing that my girl’s ex was doing but in her own way.

I then responded with a phone call.

“Hey” she answered.

“It’s over. I don’t care if it was a mistake or not. Don’t ever contact me again. I’m happy with who I am with. Have a nice life”.

“Well you don’t have to be a jerk about it”.

And just like that it was finally over. I don’t miss it her for a second.

I felt bad that my girl came forward with me about her situation and I didn’t. I don’t even know why. It just didn’t seem that big of a deal on my end I guess but if I were her I would still want to know. She did something very truthful and honest to me and I should repay the favor. I owe her at least that.

One thing that my girl mentioned is that I over think too much. I don’t know how to stop. I’ve had way too many terrible things happen in the past all I can do is think, but I never act. I don’t do anything about it and just sit there waiting for something to settle down.

I am just fearful that if I’m not the reason my girl leaves me someone else will be. I’ve been left too many times, cheated too many times, and lied to too many times. I don’t know how I can handle it anymore.

I’m too naive when it comes to relationships I guess. When people tell me that they aren’t lying or sneaking around my back I tend to believe them. I guess I like to always try to maintain positive and tell myself that I’m freaking myself out. It all catches up with me in the end.

People have always seemed so convincing.

But I still love my girl with all my heart. Everything about her makes me know that it’ll be okay.

I just pray that my girl’s situation gets resolved quickly and everything can go back to normal.

Well… Somewhat normal.