I have no other way to start this other than to say that yesterday could of been the worst day I’ve had.
It all started with waking up early in the morning again. As stated before we all knew what my morning alone was like so lets not repeat it.
I got to work and pulled right into my normal parking spot. Opened the doors and dragged my feet to the entrance. I looked at the clock. I got there an hour early.
In my locker I had my long sleeve uniform and tie. Our department was still in short sleeves, but I didn’t really care. My Chief and Major at my department are all about uniformity so my thoughts were to avoid them all day.
Once I got the top button finally done and put the tie on I was somewhat ready to start my day. I sat down at a table and watched the morning news with my cup of hot tea. My mood hadn’t really gotten any better at this point.
Other officers came in and all made the usual morning snarky comments.
“Look who’s here”
“Hey there Mister Early Bird”
“Always trying to out shine us”
“Better not have the command staff see you in that”
Oh yeah. Great way to start the shift.
Our briefing was done in the main office over by where the command staff office is. I forgot that I had to go into the belly of the best. Usually though our command staff doesn’t come in until 8am. So I thought there was still a chance.
But I guess today was the day they all decided to come in earlier than normal though. Not exactly comforting.
So I did what anyone in uniform does to avoid any eye contact. I power-walked right into the the meeting for briefing. Right past the Sergeant’s office, Lieutenant’s office, and the administrators office. Everyone was kind of grumbling about how I looked.
At this point all I wanted was the shift to be over. I was in no mood to be in the work mindset.
Later in the day my Operations Lieutenant came up to me and explained that the command staff wanted me to go home. Apparently the way I was looking that day was unsatisfactory and they didn’t want me to stay on the shift.
They also weren’t too happy with my attitude. I guess people can guess when something’s wrong when they say “Smile”. But the Lieutenant was nice enough to say that he was okay with me staying.
So the day went on like always. Said hi to a few people, made small talk, then of I went.
Finally my buddy came on the shift. He’s the K-9 Officer of our department and walked in with his partner, Fix.
All I wanted to do was sit in the office and pet this guy (Fix… Not my friend).
My buddy told me that Fix wasn’t feeling too well and was running a bit sluggish. Fix walked right over to me with his ears tucked in and just laid down. I just looked at fix and was like “I feel ya, buddy”.
When Fix and his human pet went off to patrol I just realized that I had to talk to someone. I couldn’t really talk to anyone at work.
So I texted my girl. I told her that my day is a bit crappy and needed someone. She’s always a reliable lifeline. So she told me to call her any time. I felt bad cause it was her day off and I didn’t want to interfere but… I was having a bad day (oh well).
So I went home, worked out a bit, and made something to eat. I then finally dialed her number and waited patiently for her to pick up. Apparently she teased me saying that I was interrupting her Korean Drama TV series (Seriously! How awesome is she!?).
I just vented about everything and anything. I told her about my day but what really got to me was just being in a bad mood. I told her that I don’t know whats going on with me.
“I’m just never in a bad mood! It makes me think about my dad and ironically it makes me even more upset about it. I don’t want to be the bitter mean guy” I told her.
She calmly told me that nothing will ever make me be him. She told me just to stop trying to be the complete opposite of what I am afraid of being cause then I can’t be myself. All I was doing was putting up this “I’m friendly to everyone” to avoid the idea that if I’m not that way that I’ll end up angry and alone.
But she always does a great job at looking at someone and seeing right through them. She just told me that I am actually lonely and that maybe me talking to so many people is just a way of me reaching out to see if anyone cares. At first I kind of blew it off to be honest. No one, naturally, likes to be told that they’re a lonely person.
But I never realized how lonely I actually was. The reason why I am so open and friendly with people is because I really don’t have anyone to talk about my problems with. I just go home every day to my dog and that’s it. The only time I ever talk to someone is at work.
She told me that I can’t be the overly energetic person 24/7 because eventually I’ll get burned out. And when I burn out people will all freak like its a total 180.
Then she brought up that maybe I just love how she makes me feel instead of actually loving her character. That kind of hit me right in the gut. A low blow, but made me wonder.
I’m so happy that she makes me feel happy, but was that the only thing that drives me?
So she rushed me off the phone so I could have the time to figure things out. We said our goodbyes and I told her that hopefully I’ll figure it out.
So then I started to wonder if I was actually being me or being something else.
Was I actually a nice guy? Or am I trying so hard to not be a monster that I’m not being myself?
Do I actually love her? Or do I love what she does to me?
What type of person am I? And more importantly who am I?
So this morning I got up at 6am, got Melon on her leash, and head off to our favorite park. I needed a lot of time to think and a nice long morning walk with the 90’s greatest summer hits on Pandora Radio playing was more than perfect for it.
So I found a bench at the top of a hill and watched the morning sun come over the tree line. It was pretty cleansing to be honest. It cleared my head of all of the useless thing that I didn’t need to think about. Then I realized what was happening.
I was finally able to have a moment to myself without any distractions to think seriously for once.
So I got up and started to walk. No destination in mind. I just got lost with the time and literally thought about everything I talked about last night and what was said.
It was all about my dad, her, and more importantly, me.
And this is what I finally figured out.
I don’t have to try to not be my dad anymore. I’ll never be him. The thought of what he was and still is will never leave me but that doesn’t mean that I’m on a path to follow him. Though I don’t think that me being overly friendly was necessarily a result of any of that.
I like to be the nice guy. I like the feeling that doing something nice or being nice makes me feel good about something. Yes, she’s right about one thing (or a lot of things). I can tone it down for my own sake. I’ll be burnt out way too quickly if I don’t take it a step back.
I know that I will never be my father, but I don’t have to put any effort into it anymore.
When I thought about my girl I was thinking about what she said last night. Was I really in love with her or was I in love with the feeling that she gives me? I told myself that I had to be as real as possible with this one.
As much as it hurt I told myself “If I can’t find one thing about her that I love then I just tricked myself. I can’t have a relationship for my own selfish needs because she matter too. It cant just be about me or just about her. It has to be about us”.
But what I found out was that effortlessly I found things that I love about her. I put all the things she makes me feel aside and thought about her. Just her and nothing else.
It was a real eye opener of what I figured out.
I love the type of person she is. I could write all the things that I truly love about her but for the sake of keeping this somewhat short (and me wanting to keep that personal between just her and I) I’ll just say that I was floating. I was weightless to the thought of who she really is to me and not just what she is to me. It took all the stress and worry out and I can finally be fearless in this relationship.
But the biggest part of the whole walk (even bigger than her) was figuring out who I am. What type of person am I? I had no idea who I was because my identity was always stripped away and molded into something else. I couldn’t figure out what I was interested in or what I liked to do.
It was pretty pathetic to be honest. I mean how can someone not know a thing that they like but can brag about what somebody else can do?
So I walked with Melon and tried to think about my likes and interests. I couldn’t really figure out a whole lot, but then it hit me.
This could be a whole fresh start for me.
I don’t have to have an interest to satisfy anyone else. If my girl, my friends, or even Melon aren’t interested it shouldn’t matter to me.
The only thing that I should really worry about is what makes me happy. If I’m happy and okay with what I’m doing then it should make other people happy. And if not then oh well.
I’m starting to become okay with being alone. I don’t need people to fill me up all the time. I can take the time to think about what I want to do and what I want to start. And even if that means not leaving my place then so be it.
So all in all today was oddly one of the greatest days I’ve had.
It was only spent with my kid and I.
I’m just glad that everything is starting to come together.