Monsters and Angels

As a kid, I never believed that monsters were real. I was never afraid of the dark. And I most certainty didn’t believe true evil could ever exist.

That all changed when I was dating my Ex.

But let’s start from the beginning (great place to start).

So it all began while I was at work about over a year ago. I was single for a little over a year. I dated a few people here and there but nothing really stuck (oh the stories…).

I thought that I wasn’t going to find anyone that would really want to be with me. All hope was pretty much lost. Then there she was.

Now I wont give out a name, but lets just call her the “Ex Monster”.

The Ex Monster hung around where I was working with a few of her friends. She would always looked at me, gave a wink or two, and then walk away. I thought to myself “there is no way that she was doing that to me”.

So one day I finally walked up to her. She was with a friend and they stopped talking as soon as they saw me.

The Ex Monster’s friend said “we have a question”.

“Yes…?”

“Are you single?”

“Yes…”

“Okay… Cause we have a ‘mutual’ friend of ours that thinks you’re cute”

And that’s how it started. I gave my number to this “friend” of theirs. Not 5 minutes later I got a text saying “hey cutie :)”

It wasn’t love at first sight though. I eventually learned to love her (yuck! The thought that it ever happened).

See, I had a “Disney” type view of the world. I always tried to see the good in people. It emotionally and physically wore me out in the end.

I was vulnerable to anything and everything. She knew it and took advantage of it .

Our first date I was late, didn’t dress well, and I forgot my wallet. All the biggest mistakes any guy (or anyone) could make.

But she didn’t care I guess. She would still bat her eyes at me and hold my hand.

She gave me false hope. She would say things like “I’ve been waiting for someone as great as you” and “Wow you’re just so amazing at everything! How could you of not found someone that whole time you were single?”

She brought me up. I would be lying if I said the Ex Monster didn’t. I was as happy as a little boy could be. My self confidence then, and always, was down at the bottom of the bucket. Anything could of brought me up.

Over the next few months we would spend every day we had with each other. People thought that we were the couple who were meant to be. She would always visit me during work on her off days, drop off some lunch, and try to get along with everyone possible. Everyone thought she was great, at first…

A few months later I moved in with her. I thought that everything would be perfect if we were under the same roof and she couldn’t of agreed more. Big mistake (never ever move in with someone even if you’re engaged. Just don’t).

We got engaged shortly after. All of our friends were more than excited. She had me wrapped around her finger, but that’s when it all started to unfold.

What I soon found out was that I was being used. Everything about her and I was a lie. Everything about her was a lie.

She started to become more bitter, more mean, and more unbearable. She started talking to other guys because she said that “I wasn’t enough for her” some days even though I did my best. She ran off to her ex’s house even though she insisted that all feelings were gone and that he was just a good friend.

There were days where I would lay in bed and she would just leave in the middle of the night. No questions, no nothing. I would stay up all night wondering where she was and if she would ever come home. I hated the darkness. Made me realize how lonely I was.

At one point she even tried to give Melon away to her ex.

I felt like I was trapped.

See, another thing that I learned is that abusive relationships exist for men as well. I thought it could never happen to me but this girl was great at making you believe that you were nothing at all.

She would say things like “everyone thinks you’re gay. You will never find someone who will accept you like I did” or “Wow you really are stupid. If you recall I’m the one who’s getting a Masters Degree so whatever you say has no value or thought to it. You are just stupid. It’s okay.”

She scraped my identity away from me. She molded me into what she wanted. She said I was the perfect guy but only because she would make me into someone who was perfect for her.

She was not perfect for me.

Sometimes she would pick fights just to pick fights. She would scream and yell saying how terrible of a person I was and started to throw ice cold water at my face. Some nights she even hit me and screamed “I dare you to hit me back. Do it and I’ll call the cops! I’ll ruin you!”.

Now, I never ever touched a girl in an aggressive way, ever. My view on that is that no matter how crazy the girl is you never fight back. You just don’t.

So I just walked away every time that happened. I walked for miles just rethinking everything. She got mad that I wanted to leave the house, too.

So once I came back home after taking a breather she locked me out. I can’t tell you how many times I called my friends to stay at their place and lie about it.

She always loved to keep me silent. Every time I would have a fun conversation with people she would chime in and say “Oh so are you just talking to talk? Cause it sounds like you’re not really saying anything important”. And that was that. Conversation over.

She always thought I was cheating on her, too. I thought that was kind of funny. I would never bring myself to that low blow move on any one. If I wanted to end it because of someone else, they would know. Its not fair to anybody if you do something as back stabbing as that.

Funny, though, that it was coming from the Ex Monster who loved being with her ex even though it was “over”. (She even had other guys over sleeping in our bed while I was away for my Marine Drill weekends).

She really had an effect on me and not the good kind. I really did believe that I was nothing to anybody out there. I thought that she really was the only person who would actually want to keep me around. Someone who wasn’t going to throw me away regardless of all of the hurtful things she’s done.

Then this final straw. I found out that the only reason why she wanted to “marry” me was cause it would reduce her student loans for her Masters Degree program. I couldn’t believe it. I endured everything that life could of thrown at me. And that was the main reason behind it all.

She played the “I love you” part so well that it made me sick. I wanted to scream and tear everything apart. But I couldn’t go crazy. I just sat there in a dark room and wished that I never met her.

I finally told her it was over. Her tears were almost convincing. It was like watching an actor who prepped for a movie scene to finally give it their best.

I moved what I needed (clothes and Melon) out of the apartment. I stayed with my mom for a few months.

I convinced everyone that we were fine because I didn’t want to draw any attention. The break up was my own personal issue. I wanted to figure things out.

When I finally came home she took almost everything. The $2,000 couch we both bought, almost everything in our entertainment room, and the mirrors in the house. She left me with just a bed, bookshelf, and some plates.

After all that I realized something. I just had the best feeling of all.

I just cleaned. I had officially hit the restart button. My life just got echisketched and everything was a clean slate at this point

But I was still broken. Still afraid. Still alone.

I couldn’t trust my own judgement. I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t trust anyone else. I thought I really was a broken mess that no one could ever want. Who would want someone like this? Someone who could easily throw himself at a girl. A guy who would do what ever it takes to make someone smile even though it never worked. Someone who would still show some sort of love and care for someone who would hurt them so bad.

It was all for the chance that it would all turn around. That someday that the pain would stop.

No one wanted that though. Not what I thought. I am a mess of a guy. Someone who has trust issues so bad because of the living hell they just came back from. Maybe its some sort of PTSD type thing or maybe its not. One thing for sure is that I am still feeling the effects to this day.

So one day I just woke up and went to work. Not thinking of anything other than wondering how life would be. I didn’t want to be with anyone at that time. A few months alone felt good and I thought that a few more would even be better.

I was the training officer of the day. I was walking two new trainee’s around the Emergency Department. I ran into my friend who was also training someone new.

And there she was. Someone who changed everything. Someone who made me feel something new and unreal.

I felt stupid that I shook her hand and introduced myself. That was all I could think of doing. My voice cracked a little I think, too.

I couldn’t look away. She had me locked on. Everything that was happening to me I couldn’t explain it.

I had no idea what this feeling was. My legs began to feel weak, my ears turned red hot, and my fingers started to feel numb. She has a voice that was so soft and sweet. Her big blue eyes just darted right through me. Her smile was just… Incredible.

Everything about her was perfect. Her body, her eyes, her smile, her lips, her voice, her long and beautiful hair. You name it and it was marked an 11/10 in my book (I give her a 10/10 when she is in all sweats and no make up. I feel bad that I knock off a point sometimes).

Without even saying a single word I felt something that no one had ever made me feel.

“Oh crap! I’m falling in love for the first time! Is this how it feels? What do I do? Just smile? Don’t smile too big! Wait… She’s smiling. A good sign? Crap… Walk away now!”

It was pure ecstasy. I wanted more. Who was she? Why did she look at me the way she did?

“There must of been something on my shirt. Maybe my hair looked off. Or maybe she thought I was just goofy and was red from holding back a laugh.”

So many thoughts ran through my head that day.

The very next day at work my friend, who was training her, stopped and chatted with me. We had some small talk but I think we both knew what the topic of the day was.

“So… What did you think about my trainee?”

“When is she working next?! I mean… Um… She was nice. When is she going to be working again?”

“Ha ha ha…Well she wont be here for another few days. She did ask about you, though. I didn’t know if you were single or not so I couldn’t really give her an answer. She seemed pretty bummed about if you were already taken.”

What?! Someone was asking about me?! She was asking about me?! No way!

(playing it somewhat cool)

“So… What did she say?”

“Oh she said that you were so hot, cute, and the whole ‘please tell me he’s single find out for me now!’ deal. She just would not stop raving about you! So your answer is…?”

“Yes I’m single! (first time I told anyone that) Tell her! Tell her now!”

I swear at that moment if that wonderful girl was on the other side of a lake every one would think I was Jesus Christ himself. I would not only walk on water, but sprint right to her.

Heck, I would do that everyday if I had the choice.

People always talked about the “honeymoon” phase. That feelings only are strong in the beginning and they eventually fade away. If I could find whoever said that to me I would so prove them wrong.

My feelings are the same. Every time I see her I have that same feeling from day one. I don’t know what it is that I really love about her, but the list is in the millions. I love everything about this girl. She took my heart from that first look she gave me. I can only hope that I have that same effect on her.

Looking back, I don’t regret any decision I made. I would do it all over again if the road led to my girl every time. I would go through hell and back. I would drag my body through a mile of broken glass and nails just to see her (okay a little extreme, but you get the idea).

It’s a whole new chapter. A whole new idea. A whole new start to everything. Every day is a blank page. I don’t want to anticipate too much on what the future will be like, but I have an idea of what it will be. I know that once we start making our story together it will be the best written book in the world.

I now know that monsters and angels do exist.

I’m just glad that the angel swept me off my feet with her 🙂