The Dating World

These past couple of days I’ve been seeing that the topic on most posts are about “dating”.

I guess after reading some hilarious, sad, and weird posts about people’s experiences in the dating world, why not share mine?

It all started when I was at the old age of four.

I was a wild and crazy kid. The world was at my baby fingertips. Kindergarten was a whole new playing field for me. I wasn’t shy at all in the classroom. I would laugh and joke with other kids and instantly I became one of “the cool” kids.

When story time happened we all sat in a big circle in the middle of the classroom. That’s when I met my first girly girl. Her name was Anna.

Anna came right up to me and said “you’re weird” (kid logic of saying “cute”). She smiled and grabbed my hand while we were listening to the book about counting to ten. What really sealed the deal was she could snap her fingers. I didn’t know how so she taught me. Instant girlfriend at that point.

We both eventually went to different schools when we went on to first grade.

It’s funny that looking back at that you realized how simple life was. That finding someone was at the snap of a finger. That there was no pick up lines, no dressing up, no effort at all.

And now enter the Adult World.

So there I was at the ripe age of 20. Just broke up with my high school sweetheart and thrown into the single world. All of her things were moved out and it was a new start. I didn’t really know how to meet a girl since I never had to work on that skill.

At my first job I worked contract security. I was doing my rounds when I met this nice looking lady. She was short girl with brown hair. She was just finishing cleaning up something and looked right at me.

She caught me walking around and wanted to chat. We talked for a good hour or two until it led up to “Hey, wanna go out to the bar sometime?”

Now I couldn’t tell her I was only 20 so naturally I did what any stupid guy did.

“Yeah sure!” (dumb).

Thank god she wanted to go to a TGI Fridays. So we set a date and time.

When I finally got there she already got us a table. What really surprised me was that there was a kid there. Not like a young kid but a pretty tall kid at that.

So I introduced myself to this youngster. He was very polite and very shy. I figured it was her brother so I was thinking “oh how nice of her to bring her little bro out.”

WRONG!

It was her kid. 10 years old.

Wait, what?! Then how old was she? And more importantly how old did she think I was?!

She was 30. I was 20. We flip-flopped our ages on each other. You can imagine the awkwardness in that room.

After that whole episode I thought “Boy I just don’t know how to find people. Maybe I need to take a break from all this”

So of course I starting dating one of my best friends.

We have been friends since early high school. We always had a crush on each other but we were always dating someone when the other person was single. By some weird luck of the straw we were both well and single.

I remember we were sitting in her basement. We were playing Portal 2 on her Xbox 360. After playing for hours we finally got bored. She just looked at me and said “so what do you want to do now?”

The next thing was just totally unscripted. We kissed. I had no idea how it led to it but it happened. We laughed and agreed that it was weird, but for some reason we always hung out afterwards. That tension was always there.

We would go for long walks in the park. We would share crazy and funny stories about our ex’s. We would just do everything that best friends would do together. We would call each other at random hours of the night just to vent. Or some days we would just call each other because we just wanted to talk.

We didn’t live in the same city, but there were some days where she just drove to where I was just because she wanted to go mall walking with me. People really thought that we should have been dating, so we gave it a shot.

Unfortunately she was the one who shot me dead. I remember getting a text from her saying that “I should get checked” because a party she was at got “out of hand” (luckily I came back clean).

I appreciated her honesty, but that was the last time we spoke. I couldn’t trust someone like that. Someone who would be easily swayed into doing something like that because out of pleasure.

I was amazed that even dating a best friend can still turn up to be a dud. That even if it seemed perfect it really was a mask for disaster.

So there I was again. Back to square one. Alone with a Budlight in my hand on a Friday night.

Now what do people who are lonely with beer do? They do silly things (or commit crimes).

So on my phone I kept getting emails about “dating websites”. I laughed at the idea. I made fun of everyone who used those websites because I thought it was for just hook ups and that wasn’t what I wanted.

I looked around my apartment and saw that the coast was clear. I made a dating profile.

I got a few hits here and there. Naturally everyone wants the “hot” looking one so I skipped through a lot of profiles (hey you would too!).

I went on three dates using the online dating method and let me tell you something. Maybe it worked for you or maybe it worked for your friends, but it did not work for me. It did the far opposite. It made me want to destroy whoever made that concept.

It didn’t ruin me or hurt my feelings or anything. I just realized there are a lot of weird people who use those services. They don’t show it or say it on their profiles, but when you meet them it’s like “what the…”

The first girl I went on a date with she was a bit off. She dressed in a very revealing shirt and wanted to go out drinking. Off to a good start…

We talked for a while and I guess it was okay. I mean I didn’t know who she was so it was an awkward feeling the entire time. She eventually wanted to bring me to her place. I thought this is how it ends. I’ll be on the local news about a man who used a dating profile that ends up in five cardboard boxes scattered across town.

But I had a drop of faith and said “sure”.

I arrived at her apartment. It was a nice place. She opened the door and said “come on in! My roommate has been dying to meet you!”

“We just met like two hours ago. What could have she possibly said to her roommate by now?” I thought to myself.

I walked inside and her roommate was this tall brunette girl with a slender body and, here’s the kicker, with breast implants. Oh man…

And here I was drinking with these two girls.

Seriously… These are things you can’t make up…

I drank as little as possible. I was actually nervous. Not because they were “attractive” or anything but I was looking for a relationship and they were looking for a one night stand. They both ended up passing out and I just left their apartment.

Any other guy would have stayed and had some fun, but for me that wasn’t what I was looking for. That just wasn’t for me.

I wanted a girl who was as considerate as me. Someone who wanted something more than just a summer fling. Someone who was a lot like me.

So of course I went on another date using the dating site.

The second date was an artist. Oh good. Someone who had something to be passionate about and was, to be honest, pretty good at. Yet another one who enjoyed the bottle (Jeez whats with these people?)

She got over attached to me and was wanting me over there all the time. She even went as far as saying “I’ll let you do whatever”. So I cut that short.

The last girl wasn’t really anything amazing. What was really off about her is that she just decided she wanted a mohawk after just meeting me. I decided that I didn’t want to see her anymore.

Funny thing is that all three of these girls I have run into public with multiple times. The first girl I saw when I was out with some friends. The second girl was actually at work cause she was showing her artwork off at the Children’s Hospital.

And the last girl is actually my third floor neighbor’s sister. That was an awkward text message conversation (sorry bro!).

Now that was the experience I had with the online dating world. If it worked for you then great! I’m glad it did. It didn’t work for me. I would say though it was kind of fun doing it and it created some pretty wild and funny stories.

Work is where I get most of my attention. I wear the nice uniform that everyone gets “attracted” to (I’m sure my lady was drawn to that first).

My Department Major once said “don’t get your honey where you make your money” (his wife worked as a state trooper with him. Made a lot sense coming from him…).

I shot back with “what if your honey makes more money than you?”

Note: That’s not why I’m with her! I’m not a shallow guy…

But now things are going great. Better than ever, actually. I finally got all the weird, bad, and crazy experiences out-of-the-way (maybe not the weird and crazy).

My girl is the best that I could ever have. There is no one like her. It was simple as a smile and a wink that got me to fall for her.

And a billion other things.

I love her like a fat man loves a buffet.