Reflections

Today was not an easy day for me.

Early this morning I guess I had one of the biggest signs of how the day would go.

I woke up with this excruciating pain in my right leg. The whole leg started to spasm and cramp up. I put my hand on my calf and could actually feel the muscles twitch and jolt with pain.

Yeah. Great way to start the day. That was at 1:25am.

I went back to sleep. I woke up early again but had at least some decent amount of sleep.

I jumped on my computer and scanned through my Facebook news feed. I was really not looking forward to the next part of my day.

I was going to be part of the “dog and pony” show of our department. My buddy, the K-9 officer, and I were selected to be the showcase for our police authority department. He was the K-9 Officer and I was the Bike Patrol Officer.

We geared up in the locker room and hopped in his new Police K-9 SUV (I got bored and started messing with the lights and sirens. No one was around thankfully).

I knew my girl would be at work so I thought “well my day is going to suck so might as well start it off on a good note”.

And there she was. Hair pulled back and her big blue eyes fixed on her computer screen. She manged to smile at me. Whether it was faked or not it still gave me that warm feeling rushing through my veins. Every time feels like the first time seeing her.

So I sat down next to her and chatted with her for an hour. It was peaceful. I didn’t want to leave. All I ever want to do is just be next to her and talk until we can’t breathe. We talked about how our night went. I knew she wasn’t doing too well which is why I wanted to brighten up her day because I wasn’t doing well either (I didn’t tell her though).

I wanted to see her because she’s the only thing that can make me truly happy. I think we both got just a slice of what we wanted this morning. I know I did.

See, the previous night we had one of those Snapchat conversations. I said that I loved her and that she was the most beautiful person in the world and that who ever told her otherwise in the past was an inconsiderate bastard who didn’t deserve any of her time (not quite like that. It had more colorful ways of saying that people in the past were jerks. That was actually the nice version of what I said).

She asked why I loved her. Why I thought she was so beautiful. What was so amazing about her. She questioned almost everything and shot back with:

“I don’t understand why you want me. I don’t understand you. You’re such an incredible person.”

Made me laugh. Incredible? Far from it. More like “okay” than incredible. When she finds out she can do better, maybe she will, maybe she wont. Who knows. Nothing is “incredible” about me or even close to that.

But I will never understand her. Why she doesn’t like who she is. Why she thinks so many things are wrong. Why she thinks I’ll run for the hills when I find these things out.

See, what always shocks me is that there’s this thing about her. It’s that no matter what she always thinks something is wrong with her, that something is just broken and that nothing can fix it. She’s convinced that sooner or later I’ll see what’s “wrong” with her and leave for someone else.

Personally, and I don’t mean it in a mean way, but she’s dumb for thinking that. Actually, really dumb for thinking that. I have no idea what could be wrong with her. Every inch of my body and every ounce in my soul screams for her.

She doesn’t know it but this is why I love her. It’s not just her smile. It’s not just her beautiful eyes. It’s not just the way she talks to me or the way she turns red when she sees me.

Yes, I love all those things about her but what I really love is that she’s a lot like me. I know how I am. I know what’s wrong with me when she thinks its right. I do the same to her. She tells me I’m handsome when I think I’m a mess. I tell her she’s beautiful when she thinks she’s gross. I tell her she’s a wonderful girl when she thinks she’s bad. She tells me that I’m put together when I feel like I’m in pieces.

I’m super shocked as to why she even looks in my direction or even keeps me around. I know I annoy her. I annoy her by asking “why me?” too much. Maybe I’m in the same shoes as her but I voice out my concerns and questions more than she does. Who knows.

I asked if she wanted to go for a walk while we talk and reflect after work, but she said she just wanted to be alone again tonight. I could see where she was coming from. I just wanted to kiss her goodbye before I left but I couldn’t (I hate work environments!).

So I just told her I loved her and off I went to my circus show.

I met up with my buddy before we went into the conference room.

“Saw your girlfriend before this? She give you a kiss and say you’re handsome? You need to make things official, man. You two are all lovey-dovy and yet you still say you aren’t an item. Asians are weird…”

I laughed and said “Not yet. When the time is right.”

We both stood at our spot in our uniforms while the executives of the hospital walked by, shook our hands, and wanted to create small talk.

We stood for about 2 hours.

I didn’t want to be there. Not because I hated the event (I kind of did) but because I wanted to run. I wanted to run back to her and say everything wrong about me. I wanted to let her know that it’s just not her who’s messed up but I am too. I’m a crazy mess. Someone who has such a jagged history that it would make any one else run far away from me. I wanted to let her know why no one has ever wanted to keep me. That as “perfect” or “incredible” she sees me as that it will all soon fade away. That the big reason as to why I want to see her every second is that I want to save every moment before she realizes she needs to leave me for someone else.

I have loved, been hurt, and been engaged twice. Both times were failures not from them but from me. That as “great” of a guy I was that it seemed that it was always me who ruined it. Everything I touch gets ruined. Everything that I see crumbles before my eyes.

It’s because what ever surrounds me seems to want to get away from me. My biggest fear is losing what is closest to me. My biggest fear is losing her. She will soon realize what big of a crap pile I am.

She is looking at someone who has endured everything terrible and is somehow still standing. That the only reason why I still stand the way I do is because of her. She gives me hope. She gives me an ounce of strength just to get by. She gives me chances when others give up. She gives me a reason for tomorrow to happen.

I’m a paranoid freak. I have too much fear in destroying all that is good. She is pure to me. She is as white as snow and as beautiful as the sun.

How can I tell her that it’ll all be okay? Not enough “I love you” messages will cure the sickness. Not enough “you’re beautiful” messages will heal the pain. I believe everything I say to her because I pour everything thing out of my heart to her because all she deserves is love.

She doesn’t need a good man. She doesn’t need a good friend. She doesn’t need a good listener.

She needs a great man because she deserves it. She needs a best friend because she deserves it. She needs a great listener because she deserves it.

I don’t think I deserve a great girl like her, though. She knows everything and I know nothing. She know’s how to hold up our relationship while I go off into it with a blindfold and my heart in my hand ready to give it to her so willingly. I place everything into what I don’t have and give it away.

Sooner or later she’ll grow tired. Sooner or later she will realize that I am actually the broken one.

But as long as I am with her I will do everything to make her realize why I love her. Why I know (not think) she’s beautiful. Why I want her to be my one and only. Why that no matter who gives me their number, who promises me a good life, who tries their best to sway me to be with them that it will never work. I want my girl and only my girl.

If I could I would give her the sun. I would count all the stars in the sky for her just because she asked. I would pick an apple from the tallest branch just because I would want her to have it (she loves apples). I would hold her hand and softly tell her that no matter what she thinks is wrong with her that it’s exactly whats wrong with me. That for a split second we wont feel alone. We wont feel like aliens on our planet.

I want to look into her eyes and without saying a single word I want her to know that I’m hurting too. That there is a hole in my heart and that I know she is the only one who can repair it. I want her to know that I have the tools to fix her broken heart. Hopefully we can fix each others heart.

Every day is a new day. I swear that I will tell her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world. That she is the funniest person I know. That she is the most caring person of all times. That she is the most charming person in my life. That she is my number one. My one and only. That no matter what I will still be standing by her side.

So today is my day to do exactly what she is doing. Reflecting on all the bad about me. Hopefully when I’m willing enough to put aside all of my fears I can tell her everything bad about me and not just the good parts.

But one things is for sure. She stole my heart and I’m never going to ask for it back.

She can keep it.