First off I want to apologize for the fact that I haven’t been on here in a long while. I’ve been trying to get back into the beat of things when I got back.
A lot of thoughts collected and it was difficult to translate them to actual words on how I feel about things. A lot of things happened that made it even more difficult to even find words to describe what happened over the past few days.
But as stated before I discovered that there wasn’t much I liked about myself. It’s probably the most hardest thing that I’ve had to endure.
It’s easy to pass on your feelings to others to make them happy, but when I’m alone it’s a struggle to keep things going. Leaving town and not having my phone glued to me helped me start to reconnect with myself and realize what needs to be worked on.
I needed a better grip on my faith and emotions. I couldn’t do it was all of the distractions of modern technology (darn you Clash of Clans!) because all it did was mask over what I needed to fix.
I had my Marine Drill over the weekend. A lot of Marines in the company never really keep in touch. Some of us keep in close contact, but most of us just set off with our own lives until we all meet up again.
One thing to remember is that you will make closer friends in the military than anywhere else. Reason is that we never really judge. We laugh off all of our life problems. You never keep things from your friends because we all want to hear how funny it sounds. Even the most messed up life twisting thing can make people laugh about them just because we all know we have it just as bad (or sometimes worse).
So this past weekend I had the whole “I don’t give a crap” attitude. I was there to just get away from outside distractions and to focus on myself.
I pulled into the parking lot at our station and got out of the car. Immiediately I saw one of my good friends I used to go to the bar with. So I walked up to him and said “Hey man! Whats up?”
He shot back with “Oh not much. The wife and I are getting a divorce.”
They just had a baby boy only a few months ago. I was in the hospital room congratulating both of them to their new addition to the family. How could that of happened so quickly?
So I chatted with him, said I’m sorry that it’s happening, and went up to another good friend of mine.
I gave him the same greeting.
“Whats up man! It’s been a while. So whats new?”
“Oh my piece of crap wife and I are separating. Excuse me, EX wife.”
Seriously?! What was going on? The reason was even more messed up. His daughter wasn’t even really his daughter (ouch). Guess that would be a lot on someone’s mind.
So finally I went up to another friend of mine. I thought “Please let it be some good news!”
“Hey dude what’s happening?”
“I had the worst week of all times! My girl friend dumps me, says she never really loved me, cheated on me, and now I have a ‘surprise vacation’ that I have to get rid of that cost me $1,500. Can you help me out?”
I gave up. I started my day thinking I had a whole ton of problems to sort out, but I realized that my problems was equivalent to a paper cut compared to what my friends are going through. I mean all I had an issue with was that I wasn’t happy with myself. It seemed like a big deal and got me all hyped up but not after all what I heard.
I didn’t get married, have kids, and now getting a divorce. I didn’t marry someone I love, raise a kid, and find out they weren’t mine. I didn’t fall in love with someone who stabbed me in the back and left broke and alone.
I didn’t have much room to complain. After looking at all of what was happening I started to think positive about myself. I came up with a few things.
I love the fact that I can laugh at any situation and keep my upbeat attitude. People say it’s because I’m crazy but what ever the reason is I am always smiling. I love that I can put my problems aside for anyone else at the drop of a hat. I can care too much about someone but that’s only because I want to be there when people need help. I love that I know when I need to focus on my problems. I love that I’m satisfied with my faith and that I don’t let anyone judge me for who I am or who I choose to follow.
Most importantly of all I love that I continually try to occupy my time with. I’m not okay with life just passing by. I need to keep busy to see what I am capable of. That’s probably why I became a Marine.
If it wasn’t for a simple life decision I wouldn’t of met some of the greatest, craziest, weirdest, dumbest, most depressing, coolest, funniest, honest, committed, and best friends of all times.
But I’m not done yet.
I’m going to keep trying to figure myself out so that I can be even better of a person than I am already.