A bit late on a post and I apologize.
I’ve been taking a lot of time trying to figure out myself all over again. It’s been a crazy trip to say the least.
I felt like people treated me like silly putty. Just molded and stretched me into what they wanted me to be. Sometimes if they did it too fast I would break into pieces.
I had no idea who I was anymore. I didn’t know what my likes and interests were. I had no idea what was even so great about myself.
So a couple of weeks ago I posted about video games. I said that I played them because I was “escaping” reality and that I stopped playing because I felt like it was holding me back with progressing in live. I was very wrong about that assumption.
A few nights ago I finally did the unthinkable. I bought a Xbox 360. Best $400 dollars put to use in a long time.
My girl was overly excited (more than me) about it. She came right over and insisted I needed “help” plugging everything in. Actually… She really did help out a lot. Have I mentioned that she’s awesome?
So when she was just tapping away at the buttons setting up my Xbox Live account again I realized something. I was finally happy. Not just the fact that she was there, but more so that I was happy with myself. That I realized why she thinks I’m so great or whatever ridiculous word she chooses to describe me.
I was never really okay with who I was or what I wasn’t doing. I fought so hard to try to figure out what I wanted to do that I blocked everything out that was a part of me. Funny that getting a game console helped put the pieces back together.
So yesterday I sat down at my computer and opened up my blog. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. I was feeling something completely new about myself that I couldn’t find the words to describe it. I was back with my old self again.
I relied on my lady way too much. She filled my battery half way and I did nothing on my end to keep my self going. I counted on her for everything. She was the reason why I even wanted to start my day.
Quick thing about her and I’ll shut up about her for a while.
When I first saw her I felt something real for once. I had this crazy strong feeling that I didn’t understand. I knew that I liked it though.
I tried for weeks to try to contain it. I think the reason why I was all about her (still am) was because I had no real feelings for myself. I was curious to see why this beautiful girl was so interested in me. All I saw in the mirror was some guy who lost his identify.
Someone once told me that in order for me to truly love someone I have to learn to love myself too. I thought I was treading in troubled waters for a second thinking about that.
I always wanted to know why she was always wanting me to just try to be alone for a while.
See all my life I was always about other people. What they wanted. What I could give them. It was never about me. Not even once.
She’s given me a lot of feelings and thought’s ive never had before. Theres a first time for everything and she helped me figure them out.
First time actually falling for someone. First time spending time with myself. First time feeling happy. Real happiness. First time wanting to be with someone. First time wanting to make someone miss me. First time truly missing someone. First time someone ever wanted me to figure what makes me happy. To find out whats so good about myself.
I came up with a few things just laying on the couch with her the day she came over to set up my Xbox. Some things that I realized about me.
I love that I’m crazy. I love that I’m stupid. I love that I do things without thinking. I love that I lead life with my emotions. I love that I hate that I lead life with my emotion.sI love that I am truthful, honest, committed, passionate, loving, caring, talented, faithful, weird, strong, nerdy, and most importantly genuine.
See I’ve never been told that before. I’ve never been told that I am a genuine person. I always just did what I always do. I don’t think and just do what I want (4 real doh). .
All I ever wanted was to be the very best and I didn’t realize that I always was. Not just for her but for myself.
So now I don’t have to rely on her anymore. She isn’t the only one holding me up anymore. I hope she can see a whole new side of me and fall for that guy as well. That I didn’t really change, but rather a piece of me was always hiding and now its out in the open.
And if I want anything great to happen between us I want her to know that I love her as much as I will love myself. It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship if one of us relied on the other person for everything and anything. Because she can’t be there for me as much as I want her to. It just wouldn’t be fair.
I still have a long ways to go but at least I got a head start. I now know that I don’t have to have one person to keep me going. Hope she is relieved of that too.
I am who I am and for once in my life I’m okay with it.