Although therapy sessions are considered “confidential” or “private” I see this blog here as my therapeutic release when I have a great feeling inside of what I want to talk about. So I may mention some things that have been brought up and said in the professional help world in this.
I have so many weird things about me. So many problems and issues float around in my life.
I close up. I can’t easily talk about my feelings. I need distractions. I need space. I need people. I need materials. I like to keep very little.
All of the things that I do don’t make sense but they do. I was never a quiet person. I always had, and have, something to talk about. The problem was the things I talked about were never about my feelings.
The first real depression hit me when I was in high school. My parents marriage started to fall apart, my sister got into a very serious car accident, and my dad had his stroke around this time.
My childhood and ability to even go on a slow growing process to adulthood came to a quick halt. Once I hit fifteen my dad was in the hospital recovering from a serious stroke. His whole body was in a vegetative state for a few weeks.
That point I was going from hanging out with friends and having the time of my life to helping out my mom with house work and comforting her during the tough times. Not going to lie I was a pretty selfish kid (but who wasn’t as a child).
I hated the fact that everything was falling apart. My responsibilities grew way out of control way too quickly. Being with my friends never helped because I was always angry. I was angry with how my life was turning, I was angry about my dad’s situation, I was angry that my mom was so dependent of me, I was angry that my sister took no time to help our family at all.
Looking back now I was so unappreciative but I was just a kid. When things start to fall apart you get mad at everything and blame everyone because that’s all you really know how to “solve” anything. I was happy to pissed off in just months.
At the time the girl who I was dating seriously in high school was concerned about me. She came to one of the school counselors and said my mood had changed and a lot of negative things are happening in my life. She wanted her to seek me out and give me some sort of guidance or comfort.
Of course I was upset about it. I thought I was fine. The thing was everyone knew I wasn’t.
So I sat in the school counselor’s office wondering when the heck I can escape. I never talked about my feelings with anyone. It was always about something stupid that would make me laugh because I needed to laugh to keep me from going insane.
The counselor just asked the generic questions.
“How are you feeling? How does that make you feel? Is there anything I can do to help?”
I grew tired of the same repetitive questions. I finally snapped with tears just running down my face. I yelled and screamed wondering why in god’s name was my life spinning out of control. I hated, and still do to this day, things that were out of my understanding. I always try to figure things out (which explains my fear of dying).
When I went on my, well could of been, hour long rant and vented out my brains to her, she just leaned back, wrote on her notepad, and said see you next time. She would check up on my every so often but wouldn’t go any further than that.
I broke up with my girlfriend after that whole mess. I got upset that she “sold me out” and that tried to convince her I was fine. She kept telling me that I changed and that nothing was going to be the same.
She was the first girl I ever said “I love you” to. Our families always spent time together, everyone thought we were going to be together forever (high school love), and we even went to church together every Sunday.
After that we dated on and off again because our feelings were always mixed but once our last year of high school hit we realized that it was never going to be how it was.
The second time I ever really needed any help was actually because of my ex high school sweetheart.
I was hanging out at my best friends house just hanging around in the dining room. I saw my phone ringing with her name on it. I thought it was weird since we didn’t talk after the first year of college.
I answered and she said she was in the hospital waiting for her open heart surgery. I totally forgot she had a heart condition and it was finally being treated.
We talked about everything. When we were dating. How funny it was that everyone thought we were this perfect couple. Agreed that I was a jerk at times and that she was a bit controlling. We were able to open up to each other until the sun went down.
Finally the time came where I had to say goodbye to her. She asked if we could ever be best friends again and maybe reconnect when she’s recovered from her surgery. I smiled and started to tear up when I said “absolutely. You’ll be fine. I’ll be here when its all over”.
The next day I heard that something went wrong in the middle of her surgery and that she suffered a stroke. She was never the same.
So I was a bit lost after that. I could never figure out what was so great about me. Why was it that when I finally got a chance at redemption that it was taken away from me?
Then a year later I started to date one of my best friends of many years. We were always weird and goofy with each other. Her step father was a police sergeant at a small local police department.
Over the years him and I started to really connect. He offered to pay for me to go to a police academy and take his place when he retires. I met with the Chief and the Lieutenant of the department.
It all went down hill as soon as her and I got engaged. I think she realized that we weren’t really meant to be and so did I. She started seeing other people. Arguing with my mom about stupid things.
Finally we just had enough of it. We tried to make something happen that wasn’t going to happen.
It wasn’t until I started my current job that I started seeing some professional help. That was when I was seeing my most recent ex. I wont go back into great detail about what happened, but let’s just say she was really good at making my life miserable as humanly possible.
Got tired of the cheating, lying, threatening, down talking, abusing, money sucking woman she was. It was always fun to have her leave in the middle of the night to another guy’s house for a few days without answering your calls or texts. Even more fun to know that she invited other guys to sleep in our bed while I was away for my military field drills.
Obviously it wasn’t fun at all. It was actually tormenting.
She, somehow, still felt that she was the best girl ever that that she suggested that we seek professional couples therapy help. Wow, right?
So after I said my piece and she said hers the therapist just sat there for a second. She just sat there on the other side of the couch pushing her fake happy smile to him and batting her eyes. I said everything that I felt that a man should do in a relationship.
I explained to him that my ultimate goal is to be nothing like my father. That my job in a relationship is very simple. Be honest, love who you’re with, and make sure they are happy.
He looked at her and said “I can see you expect a lot out of everyone. You seem to think you know a lot about people and how they act when in reality you are controlling. If its not your way, then it must be wrong even when its right. There was no problem because there never was one. The only problem is that you are way to particular about people and you seem to mold them into what you perceive as a perfect person regardless if it rips their identity. That’s a very important thing you’re taking away from someone. If you take their identity away then why date the person anyway? And you (pointing to me) I have only one thing to ask. How are you not on the market? Every girl would die and kill other women just to have someone like you. You seem to be so patient, kind, honest, genuine, and committed. You realize that if you had any self confidence that she didn’t drain from you left that you would have no problem getting anyone else? You two are a mess. You’ll never be happy. My suggestion, end it. I don’t know why you guys came to be but honestly if hearing it from someone who’s job it is to examine relationships and give advice, that’s the only thing I got for you two”.
One of us walked out happy.
So the break up was pretty messy but it cleaned up nicely. I was out on my own again. Not knowing what was going to happen but I didn’t really care. I needed something but I just didn’t know what.
It was the end of July when I met her. The most beautiful girl ever. Her eyes just locked right on me and I felt like I had some sort of numbing agent surging through me. That was the day I first met my lovely girl.
I remember sitting on my couch late at night (midnight I think). I was doing what anyone who was having strong feelings about someone they didn’t know. I was Facebook stalking her.
“Holy crap! There is no way she would ever want to date me. She’s freaking hot!”
So I was about to scroll down her Facebook page on my phone when I accidentally hit the “add friend” request. I quickly took that request back.
I thought “Dude! She’s going to think you’re a creepy guy! Crap! Crap! I just ruined it.”
Little did I know that she was waiting on the other side. She told me she saw her phone light up with my friend request. Just as she was about to frantically accept it I took it back. She was confused. She thought I didn’t want to be friends with her on Facebook. She immediately sent me a request back.
Now on my side of it. Right when I took my request back I was thinking “maybe she didn’t notice it…”
Immediately I saw that she added me. What a relief! So I accepted. That was how I registered to start my therapy session with her I guess. I had no idea what I was getting in to. To be completely honest I had no idea who she could be, but I knew that if I kept going to her every day she would give me something that no one could of: Real happiness.
I started to find out everything about her (maybe not everything, but a lot to say the least) and she started to find out (almost) everything about me.
As many times as I went to go talk to people and pay them good money to listen they could never be what my sweetheart is. Something real.
You can’t toss money or reach out for help to get some real advice. One thing I found out is that the only person that can understand your problems is someone who has, or had, the same ones. Not someone who is paid to study personalities or emotions, but rather someone who can relate.
Every day with her is my session. Every day with her is my personal time. Every day with her is another day to feel something real. Someone to talk to.
Even though we came from different back grounds, opposite sides of the state, and that shes beautiful and I’m just me, our problems and successes are almost parallel.
Who can ever say that they found someone who they can say they love, they can be best friends with, who can spend every day with and finally say: I don’t need to keep looking. Its not that I’m settling for what I got, I know deep down in my heart that she is the best thing that has ever happened and nothing will ever be better than that. What do you do when you having something so great you don’t know what to do? Go slow. Take it all in. Understand why you’re happy and save every little moment possible.
She always wants to know why. Why I want her. Why I feel the way I do about her. Why I see something so much greatness in her. She always says that everyone always talks about me and out of anyone I could of been with why her.
I treat her like the rarest thing on this planet. No one else can be like her. No one else is her. No one else can understand me like she can.
The fact that she’s beautiful, smart, loving, caring, and is incredibly irresistible is all a sweet bonus to the awesome package she is.
From now on I won’t have to pay for another therapy session with the bank.
All I have to do is give my time and heart to her. The best thing is is that I get real results (finally!).
And I’m keeping her to myself.
Sorry (not really).