So here I am, again, in the same coffee shop working on my novel. My fingers sting after each key stroke and I feel like I’m pissing coffee. I’m down to three large cups and a muffin.
My day started as usual. Up and early, thanks to my work schedule. The thoughts in my head go like clock work. I pet Melon and say how much of a good girl she is, I make some breakfast, then I sit and think about my lovely lady. Shoot her a text maybe just to say good morning so she knows I’m always thinking about her.
(She knows I always think about her, but I still like to do it anyway)
I walked into the coffee shop and the girl behind the counter who I saw yesterday said “Good morning! You’re back!”
Thought it was a bit weird but I wanted my damn coffee to spark my creative engine that is in my brain. So I ordered my usual. A large cup of black medium roast coffee. She then kept asking if I wanted any sugar or cream. Nope. Just black like my soul (ha ha could you imagine if I really said that?).
She just kept giving me the eye contact like she was expecting me to say something. I just kept looking down at the counter and thought “Gosh lady just give me my dang coffee. I got work to do.”
So I finally got my energy juice and muffin. As I was walking away she said “Enjoy!”
“Okay I will!”
I should just wear a sign that says “back off I’m taken!”
So I sat down at my usual round corner table. I waved to the guy who sat behind me yesterday and he gave me a nod back. He, too, is writing something big.
As I was typing away I kept getting Facebook messages from my friends parents. I always like to keep in contact with them to update them on my life. They all love to make sure I’m doing okay. They were all there for my hard times growing up and are always concerned if I will ever find the right girl.
They know that I finally found someone great for me. Probably because I talk about her all the damn time. She makes me smile.
Then my friend Samantha messaged me. Her and I go way back. She is like a sister to me.
She always asks how I’m doing and wants to know about the girl I’m seeing.
She was there for me during all of my bad relationships, the hard times with my family, and can read me better than anyone in the world (my lady is actually better at reading me, but Sam is still pretty good at it as well).
I told her that I was starting a book about my life and that it was getting real hard to dig deep into my past. It brings back things that I refused to remember and started to haunt me.
I told her I was on the part of relationships in the book. I asked her what was wrong with me. Why was it that every relationship I had was so bad. Why was trust such an issue for me?
So I got all worked up as we were talking about both of our past relationships. I told her that I would eventually became a crap person to be with because of jealousy and that almost every girl I’ve been with has cheated on me
So it always makes me wonder what people were doing behind my back and made me so insecure with people that it drove me off the edge until they couldn’t take it anymore. It sucks when you have those moments because trust is no longer even a word in your vocabulary. It just became some word people would toss at you to make you feel “safe” about the thing your involved in.
So this is what she said to me in response to that.
“I wanna be honest about something… You seem like the guy that I would call “on the surface” you didn’t allow anyone to get beneath your skin .. To understand you, you only allow it to those who are wrong for you, maybe it’s bad judge of character or maybe it’s your walls you’ve built. I could have said something that meant a lot to me and you would look the other direction, sigh, and brush it off. People who like you want in… Especially the good romantic type they want to look at you and see what they feel or what they say to register on your face. I even told you in the car you would disappear, I just knew. And I was okay. You have some super secret awesome stuff deep down I know it but dear god if you would just let the right people scratch ” the surface” you’d be in heaven. Your an awesome dude from what little glimpses I get..”
Thinking about it the only people I have really kept away were the ones from the past who I thought were special to me. I would disappear from them for good too once it was all done and over with. So really what she said was the only people who were able to get beneath my skin were the ones who would take advantage of my trust in them and use it for their own selfish needs.
Weird thing is that everyday I break all walls that are in the way to my sweetheart so I can get closer to her.
What does that mean? Does it mean that I finally found someone who can see inside of me and not want to ruin anything? Did I finally let someone in to my inner most deep feelings? Is that why I don’t know what to do and feel so uncomfortable but so relieved at the same time?
Who knows. All I know is that as time goes by she becomes more and more incredible and amazing to me each day.
Ugh, but my fingers are starting to feel like pins and needles are attacking them. I’m thinking that when the work week starts I’ll take a break from my writing, the book not this, and let my poor fingertips get some good feeling back.
(Progress Report: Chapter 4. Word count: 10,678)