Silent Snow

Winter has made it’s mark here in Michigan.

The streets have track marks of cars passing by. The dark night makes its way closer to an earlier hour. The fresh crunch of snow each time you take a step. That cold tingle you feel as each snowflake hits your face.

If you can’t tell, winter is by far my most favorite season of all. Every things is so much more peaceful in the winter time. Even in the most raging snow storm everything is just so pure to me.

I never really say anything positive about my dad, but when it snows is when I miss him most. Not the Grade-A jerk of a guy he has become and still his. I miss the man he used to be. The guy who always laughed and had big dreams and high hopes for everything. The guy who I thought was the strongest, happiest, and care free dad he used to be.

I remember by first real winter with him. I was about five years old. He bought my sister and I a sled from the super market. It was one of those plastic double seated sleds with the rope attached to the front. I’m pretty sure it was a pink Pocahontas sled to be exact.

Every night (and I mean every night) he would take my sister and I down to the end of the driveway of our old house. He would bring the sled out of the third garage. He had this smile that you could just feel warm by looking at.

He would have my sister and I sit in the sled. Of course I always got to sit in the front because I could be closer to him. He would pull us up and down the street in the sled and it was the best time I’ve ever had.

My sister hated the cold though. She never wanted to be out too long so our trips would always end so short when she was with us. But every once and a while him and I would just go out alone. He would have me sit in the far back. He would wrap the rope around his wrists a couple of times before he took me out on a sleigh ride.

I remember watching all of the houses and street lamps passing by. The giant snowflakes just smacking my face as my eyes started to squint from the ice cold wind and water rushing in. He would laugh as he saw my smile.

We would always stop at the end of the street and he would just stand there. The street was lit up in orange and the snow was just gently landing on everyone’s yard. You could hear the wind brushing up against the tree’s in the dark hours of the night. It was just awesome.

He would have me stand right next to him. He put his arm around me and said “Look at that. Isn’t it beautiful?”

He told me that he wanted me to take a good look at our neighborhood. Just massive beautiful homes hiding away from the orange glow of the street lamps and listening to the wind just cutting into our ears.

My dad wanted me to have a life just like the one we were living at the time. In a neighborhood tucked away from all of the violence and ignorance of the world.

That’s the dad I wanted everyday. That’s the dad I looked up to. Of course everything would change, but when the snow fell he was something else. He was always happier and more than eager to take me sledding or even pull me up and down the street whenever I asked him to.

Maybe that’s why I love the winter so much. Everything in my childhood was chaotic and depressing. But the winter time was when I got a real moment of peace. It was the only time I had any real happiness with my dad. It was the only time I didn’t have a single thought in my mind.

Every time I take a step outside I remember my few moments of real happiness as a child with him. Once and a while I do miss him, well the guy he started out to be, and wonder what I would do if I ever gave him a second chance.

But my belief in second chances always get in the way. Because of him I don’t believe in giving anyone a second chance. Whenever a friendship ends, its over. Whenever a relationship is done, its done for good. When my dad finally ruined everything for my family, I was finished with him.

I never believe second chances should exist because it just gives people another chance to ruin whatever hopes you had left once more. It doesn’t matter if people are civil about the matter. It just doesn’t exist in my life.

It wasn’t until just a few years ago I saw my mother finally cry. I saw her depression, anger, and anxiety break free. She was, and still very much is, a strong woman. There is no one stronger than her, so when I saw her tears once my dad left I wondered if he would ever try to come back.

Over the next few years he would call my mom begging for her to return and to give him another chance. That he could be a better husband and a better father. She never believed he could change and we all knew he wouldn’t.

I would watch my mom lay down on the couch in the crappy second floor apartment we were forced into after our beautiful home was foreclosed and taken over by the bank. All great things my mother had built for my sister and I were destroyed by my father. Everything was just becoming a bad memory.

She would just lay there. She was always tired. She was always sighing. She was always worrying.

I saw my moms depression sink deeply under her skin. A second chance? What chance would she ever give this poor excuse of a man?

We all lived a life oblivious to anything bad. We all lived a life that everyone dreamed of living. We all lived a life that should of made all of us happier than ever. And thanks to him it wouldn’t last.

Because of this I never wanted second chances to ever exist in my life, just like how it doesn’t in my mom’s.

I always love that feeling inside when I walk out into the snowy night. I walk for hours just feeling the sting on my thighs in the cold dark night as I tuck my arms deep into my sides trying to keep warm.

Standing out in the snow I wonder what moments I will share with my future kids.

Will I pull them in a sled for hours until we cant feel our cheeks? Will we be in a neighborhood where we can all be care free and just enjoy the moments together? Will I be able to stand at the end of our neighborhood and tell them I want them to have the life we have for the rest of their lives?

I don’t know what the future holds and its a scary thought to be honest. The winter walks I take with my pup gives me some real peace. All intense thoughts are put on pause. All I do is walk and sometimes my mind just goes to a nice peaceful blank. I don’t think about anything. Not my mom, not my sister, not my job, this blog, Melon, or even my sweetheart.

I just close my eyes every once and a while. I hear each crunch as I take another step in the freshly laid snow, the slush from passing cars, and listening to the wind brushing up against the leaves still clinging on.

So every night I look forward to my one hour of just peaceful blank thoughts to myself.

I never want to look back and wonder about second chances.