Alone

Well, I took a day off from this because… Honestly I don’t really know why.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I woke up wanting to do the normal routine of going to the coffee shop and getting right back to my book. I couldn’t get out of bed.

Actually, I fell asleep on the couch. I couldn’t get up from the couch because I didn’t want to start my day. I thought “what’s the point.”

When the only interactions of any people I get is at work it pretty much gets me down a little bit. I always think about all of the friends I used to hang out with. My Ex Monster pretty much ruined my entire life. I used to be the very sociable hangs-out-with-everyone type person. Not one day went by where I wasn’t texting, calling, or hanging out with someone.

My days are usually spent the same way every day. I wake up alone, walk my dog, and figure out what to do the entire day.

I wanted to get out of the house and go to the coffee shop and start my book, but I honestly did not see the point in it yesterday. What good is getting out of the house going to do if I’m just going to sit at a table all by myself? I hate the feeling of being alone. It is more frightening than death to me. I can’t stand not being able to talk to someone or to just share a laugh with.

Days like these always brings me back to how I was before I met my Ex.

I would wake up, see a text from a few good friends of mine, and then I would go on planning my day of seeing them.

Now, most of my friends are/were girls. I feel like I can always get a better connection with them. I thank that due to my great relationship with my mother and my non existing relationship with my father. I always seemed to get along with women way more often than men. I think it’s because I can share the same emotions, passion, and drive as them.

Don’t get me wrong. All of my friends who are guys are awesome. I love hanging out with them just as much as hanging out with any of my friends who are girls. But for me its just easier to make friends with a girl because they always seem so open and friendly to me. They always appreciate my idea’s of love and how a relationship should go. They enjoy my conversations and we always swap advice to each other for just about anything.

Now when I started dating my Ex (god I hate talking about her) everything in the beginning started out just fine. I should of known she was crazy (or insane) when the first week she stayed the night.

We were just having fun at my old place and I was prepping some food for us. She immediately shut down and wanted to leave because she saw an old picture of a girl and I. She was my best friend but apparently jealousy took over and she got very irate about the whole thing.

Instead of standing up for myself, I decided to try and make her happy by deleting it and saying that I wont have any more pictures like that again (it was just a pic of her and I side by side… I mean come on now…).

I should of taken that sign and ran far far away with it. Unfortunately I didn’t. Later on when her and I would get into arguments I would call my best friend from out of town and ask her for advice. Her advice was to not bet everything on a relationship. She told me a girlfriend shouldn’t take over my life and I should be able to live my own life the way I want to, but at the same time respecting her and always being considerate about every decision I make.

Well the Ex found out I was talking to a “girl”. She didn’t even identify her as one of my best friends of five years. She told me that she was going to break up with me if I didn’t stop talking to her. She even went as far as blocking her from my Facebook without my knowledge. I didn’t know about this until several months after she did it.

Then came another one of my best friends. She was the friend who lived about three miles away from me and we were always hanging out. Every day we would have a beer together and we would talk about anything and everything. Past relationships, current relationships, jobs, future, going back to school. We would hang out and just talk for hours. Of course the Ex saw her as a threat. She then got her number from my phone and texted her. Lord knows what she said but I didn’t hear from my friend again.

Jealousy, rage, and selfishness is what ruined everything for me. Looking back I wish I never met my Ex. That I should of just taken the signs of her insanity and left when I had the chance. The problem was that I was uneven about my feelings. I was never lonely when it came to having friends, but I was lonely when it came to having that one who was more special than just a friend. I wanted both, but she only let me have her.

So when the dust settled and I finally said “We are finished” to her, I tried reconnecting and rebuilding my lost friendship with these people. The message was pretty clear.

They all told me to “F**K off” and never speak to them again.

Now I have a few people I can talk to, but I don’t think it’ll ever be the same. Yes, I have the best girl I can ever have (the best in the world) but she can’t be the only friend I can have. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love spending every second of my life with her, but she also has a life to live. And sometimes that’s with her group of friends.

It’s days like these I have come to realize. I am one very lonely person.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to strike up another friendship with someone. What if the girl that works at the coffee shop that smiles at me a lot is actually just a really friendly person? What if she is just interested in making friends with me? What if I try harder to get back my friendship with the people I’ve lost from a piece of crap Ex?

I dwell on these thoughts almost every day. Yesterday was pretty bad since I had a mini freak out.

But one thing is for sure. Just because I’m lonely doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. I sat down on my couch seriously thinking about what I have as to what I don’t.

I have the best companion in the world. My pup means the world to me. She never leaves my side. I am able to live on my own. I have a job that I absolutely love. I’m moving on to bigger and better things in the military to further my personal career goals.

Most importantly of all what makes me the happiest person is that I have someone who actually misses me on a daily basis. I don’t know what I do or did to deserve someone like her. She is the best thing that has happen to my life. I don’t want to lose her and I don’t think I ever will.

So with all that being said… I think with me loneliness isn’t sadness. I think just because I don’t have someone now doesn’t mean I never will. I have someone who I know is always thinking about me and that is worth more than having a friend.

Plus she is my best friend. I know I can always rely on her. Maybe someday when we are under the same roof together I can show her how much I appreciate her and her company every single day.

Only time will tell.