So I feel like I owe an explanation with everything that’s been going on. Lately things haven’t gone my way and my disappearance has gotten everyone wondering where in the heck have I been on here. Well… Here it all is.
I think with losing some credibility at work due to bad rumors and jealousy it has really brought me down. Work was usually my escape from anything troubling since work has no bills, love life, or family issues. It was just work. A place where I could focus on my job and build great connections between people to continue on with my success.
Unfortunately for me people decided to see how well I was progressing and decided to make nasty statements about me to my command staff. Things like all I do is talk to women (in a predominately female work environment), for some reason building an odd interest in a co worker (my best friend), and started to say that I was becoming too negative to trust. So like rational and sensible person would do, I sought advice and guidance from the command staff and made a statement of my opinion of all of this.
That turned in to I am negative and childish and people decided to take everyone’s word except my very own. So quickly everything started to strip down in rank and reputation.
Good thing for me, if you want to see it that way, people have stood up for me and made statements against that decision. Officers who really know who I am stood up for me and said all the things that were said about me were by people who have had such little time in our department. That their only motive was to move up the ladder and were willing to take down anyone on that climb. Still didn’t work in anyone’s favor and people ended up losing their reputation with me. It came to the point where I had to tell people to keep their mouths shut about it and let me handle it.
Then came a situation with my sweetheart. One thing that got to me was that she was seeking help and I wasn’t there for her. It was intentional, but I still felt terrible about it. She later apologized and said her emotions and stress got to her, but regardless of whatever she says, true or not, it still made me feel like a complete let down. I tend to fear losing people and any seemingly small mistake takes me over the edge and I feel like everything has crumbled. I don’t know if that’s just the type of person I am but I guess sometimes its not a bad thing. I guess to be positive its good to know that all I want to do is be the person people rely on and to fulfill what they want from me. Maybe I made one mistake and maybe I really didn’t. All I know is that as long as she knows that all I want to do is to be her man and to be there for her I guess that’s all I can really ask for.
To the point… I can tend to be quite emotional and over reacted by small things. With how my ex treated me, for what seemed like forever, I guess she will understand once I finally have the courage to tell her.
Lastly, with my own family (mom and sis). Things with them just tend to spin wildly out of control. I always like to keep things under control so I can feel safe and comfortable about it. The problem with that is that in reality they aren’t even my problems to begin with. I just tend to show too much love and compassion for other things other than my own sanity.
All of these things I realized today aren’t something to stress out about. I mentally made a list of all the things that made me happy. The funny thing was that it wasn’t a long list, but for some reason it made me feel so relieved that so little things made me uncontrollably happy.
My pup, my sweetheart, my job, my sweetheart, my willingness to love, my sweetheart, my caring personality, my sweetheart, my sweetheart’s mother, my sweetheart, my friends, and lastly… being with the love of my life.
I think with all of these things I can do whatever I need to do without feeling any stress at all. After everything that I have been through my lovely lady has been right there to support me and to assure me everything will be okay.
I don’t know how she does it, but even without even saying anything and just having that image of her smiling face burned into my brain manages me to at least smile once during very dark times. I just feel some comfort and happiness knowing that in the middle and at the end of all of the chaos she will always be there. Maybe she realizes that I intentionally put myself in some chaotic situations to help people find a solution to it.
Even though it always kills me a little bit inside I know that sometimes it feels better knowing someone is willing to suffer with you through tough times.
All I know is that I am looking forward to 2015. I’ve been telling all of my best friends and my sweetheart’s friends of what I have planned for her. We didn’t really do Christmas together, but from what I know, deep down with all my heart, that what I have planned will make up for every terrible guy she’s ever been with and it will bring an immense amount of hope of her finally being happy and with someone who will care about her every day. Even (if I ever can be) if I am mad or upset with her I will always care and love her just the same when we’re happy together.
She is my everything to me. Instead of saying all of the things that make her smile, why not show it to her?
Sometimes I want to leave her speechless. Even though I seem to do that a lot, I think this time it will mean the most to both of us.
I can’t believe its just around the corner.
I’ll spill the beans on the 1st of 2015!