So I’m here at my moms place all alone. Still packing everything in boxes and waiting for my sister to come and help.
Today I talked to a good friend. I pretty much spilled everything that was going wrong my life. My friend suggested that seeing a therapist wasn’t a terrible idea. My friend said I seem have a lot of issues going on and that he suggested that talking to someone and getting an honest professional point of view wasn’t a bad idea.
I hated and loved going to see someone like that. I hated it because I felt like I relied on someone else to help me solve my issues. I loved it because I did solve a lot of problem. I hated it because of the cost. I loved it because it was money well spent.
I don’t know where the lines in life are drawn. I tend to edge them in with chalk and watch it wash away slowly as time goes by. I don’t know if I need something more permanent or something that I can go with the flow with.
I thought having this could help vent out all my problems. The only thing is that it gets it all out there but there is no solution to it. Am I weak to cry for help? Sometimes I feel so alone and people tend to turn their backs on me. I go crazy and insane with the loneliness and the stress to where I become someone I am not familiar with.
Every mistake haunts me. Every bad event in the past finds me in the present. Every time I try to run I draw static from dragging my feet. My head is always hung low but I push on. Ever get the feeling where your legs just give out but you know deep down you have to keep pushing? Cause if you don’t the edge of the world will catch up to you and you will eventually fall into a dark place and never get back up.
I just feel terrible about everything. With all of this stress going on I felt like I took it out on people who matter the most to me. Now because of my insane stress induced freak outs everyone has turned their backs. I think they all are waiting on this to simmer down a bit until they can approach me again.
Let’s face it. I don’t do well with stress. My life has just been one big stressful event. I always feel like I fail. I tend to fail at everything.
Relationships, finances, family, work, and just life in general. Nothing had been easy. Not in a long while. I can only hope that my sweetheart can forgive me for unleashing everything out on her. Making issues go way out of proportion and beyond its actual seriousness. I need help. I can’t think.
I need another work out tonight. I think that is always my golden ticket when no one will listen. I guess that is good. Better than smoking or drinking.
I always push myself to where I can barely want to move anymore. I think it’s because sometimes I’m so filled with anxiety, rage, and stress that I tend to shake with so much pent up energy. If I release it all in a power hour work out I want to just sit and relax. Feel the blood flow to my fingertips. Feeling the soreness on my chest and abs. Cause sometimes my heart beats so fast just thinking about the love of my life that it makes everything feel so numb. I need some feeling back into my life.
With all the great things she does for me there is always this void that I don’t know how to fill. I wish she could but I don’t even know what it is yet. I think it’s just my neediness that creates that gap. I was always so used to having someone to talk to whenever I needed someone. I want to be able to solve everyone’s problems first before tackling my own.
The problem with that is I toss my issues aside because I don’t want to deal with them. I want to help my love with all her issues. But she’s so damn strong and can take care of herself so well. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t need me. I feel like she can do so much better without me and without my problems because I have this great skill of somehow unintentionally making my problems someone else’s too. That’s not fair to her. But how does she deal with all of it?
How? How can she be like that? Why can’t I be like that? What is she doing so well that I do so terribly wrong?
I guess I have to take the time to figure all of that out.
Maybe therapy isn’t a bad option to run back to.
What are your thoughts? Any success with seeing a professional?