The Toughest Days Are Always Yesterday

Well, it’s a new day.

Woke up at 4am on a couch that I may never see again in a place that will be all too soon just be a memory. I slowly got up from the couch, grabbed a cup from a box, got some water, and off to start my day. I just kept remembering the conversation I had with my mother. Hearing her cry over the phone after telling her that there was nothing I could do to save any of her expensive furniture was a bit overwhelming for me, but obviously it had to be done.

I called her after being so flustered not being able to get a truck or a storage place for her. I sat at the dining room table, with all of the boxes sitting around me, and just stared at my phone. What was I going to say to her? Was I going to tell her that I tried and failed? Was I going to tell her all of her things will be in a dumpster in just a few days? Or do I just put a nice spin on things and tell her everything will be okay?

Well… I did all three. I called her up while slumped over the table. I put the phone on speaker because I couldn’t put it up to my ear. My arms were shaking a bit too much. First thing my mom asked me was “how was everything? Did you get it in storage?”

I told her “Mom… I tried. I really did. I couldn’t find any help and there wasn’t anything I could do to get a truck. There was just nothing I could do. I drove all around town trying to figure something out, but I had to give up… But you know. Don’t be mad or upset. A chair is a chair. A table is a table. What does any of this really even mean to you? I got all of your valuable stuff packed away. I got every photo and every memory in boxes that I’m taking back with me. Let’s face it. It’s done. It’s over.”

At that point I could hear my mom start to cry. I never hear her cry. She was always the strong one. The one who I could rely on. But at the same time she always relied on me. When my dad left I was there to pick up the pieces. I was there to help her find every place she had been kicked out of. I was the one who held her hand through the tough times and told her that everything would be okay.

So after a moment of silence I told her that I still love her. That she needs to stay in Korea with her husband. He can replace anything piece of furniture because those were all just things in the end. I started to tell her that she still had me as her son. That I don’t see her as a failure. I see her as someone who needed wake up call in life. That she needs to stay in Korea and never come back to America, or at least for a while.

She told me that she was sorry for everything. Sorry for putting all of the weight on me. Sorry for making me move her stuff when she was half way across the world. She was sorry that I always had to pick her up. Sorry for basically everything and anything she had put me through.

I told her “Mom, I accept your apology. Lets move on to something else and think positive. You still have all of your valuable stuff, pictures, clothes, and small things from grandma and grandpa. Most importantly you still have me. I’m still your son. Nothing changes that. But please do what ever you can to help me financially fix all of these problems and please do what ever you can to never do this to me ever again. I won’t help you the next time. Hopefully there wont be a next time. You’re my mother. I’m suppose to run to you when there’s problems, not the other way around. I want to get started with my own life. I’ve been taking care of you for way too long. You should be happy for me. I finally found someone who makes me feel loved, I finally got opportunities in life that I would of never dreamed of years ago, and I’m finally starting to get financially motivated to get a house and hopefully build my dream family in it. You should be happy about all of these things. Not sad because a couch or a table will end up in a dumpster. You raised me. You taught me everything. Let me show you what I learned in life. You already know that I will go to the end of the world and back just to save people because one thing you taught me is that family matters most. Well let me get started on my life so that maybe in the future, if I ever have a family, I can show you that I will do the same for them. Can you please do that for me?”

I could hear her blow her nose. She laughed a little. Then she told me that I was possibly the nicest person in the world for at least trying to save what I could. She said that I would make a great father and a husband because I have such a big heart for everything. After that she said sorry about a million times more.

The last thing I said to her was “Don’t worry or stress. Please don’t. I got this handled. You enjoy your time in Korea. Use America as a vacation spot. Come visit me when you can. You know what? Have a drink today. Hell, go all out if you have to. Do some shots. Get wild and crazy. You’re in Korea. Live it up. Shoot, do some drugs if you have too (made her laugh). But seriously… Don’t worry. You still got me. And when you come down to visit I’m sure my girl and I would be more than happy to take you out to dinner. Don’t let that be too soon though. I want you to stay there and rebuild your happy life there so that I can be here and build mine. Okay?”

She said thank you for everything and that I was quite possibly the son that everyone wished they had and she was so proud that I was the one.

Again, I joked with her and said a model son is someone who is a mathematician and has a degree with a 100k a year job. But I told her that a Marine for a son who will do anything to make people happy is pretty good too. Made her laugh again.

All in all I took the advice from my sweetheart’s mother. What am I really going to do? Is there anything that I can really do to change anything? What is a table really worth to any of us? And thanks to her I can finally ease up all the pent up stress I have in my life. I can finally start to decompress a little more each day.

One thing that always sticks in my mind after a phone call with my girl’s mother. Sometimes you gotta take things day by day. And if that doesn’t work, take it hour by hour. Things aren’t always as bad as they seem as long as you can think straight and can form a plan.

So I’m thinking positive today because I shouldn’t have to worry about tomorrow.

After every loss I may think I have I thought of everything that I know that I still have with me. A great girl, a loyal pup, a great life counselor (my sweetheart’s mother), my mother, my sister, my job, my home, my best friends, and my future plans for a happier and greater life. Whether its with my love or just me. Who knows where the future will take me. And sometimes I jump the gun which is okay at times.

I fear that sometimes the only reason I’m nice is because my biggest fear is that people will hate me. I was told that I was wrong to think that. My heart is in the right place. It’s where it should always be. But I have to start to think a little bit more clearly about certain things I want to do in life. About what really are my priorities and what are somethings that can just be let go. I think my heart is so dang big that it drains all the blood from my brain (ha ha). I want nothing the best for everyone, but I think I haven’t taken a whole lot of time to think for whats the best for me.

A little something that I remembered my love telling me. I know almost all there is to know about her to show how much I really do care and love her, but she knows almost nothing about me. I think its because I always take the time to figure her out before finding the time to let her know me. I’m always wanting to show how much I love her, I never tell her the things I love to do for myself.

I think now that all of the most stressful things in my life has gone and passed, it’s time to open myself up to her. Let her know who I am, the things I like, and what I really want for the both of us. I’m a little scared to know where to start because honestly I don’t know where to. But I hope she is willing to sit and listen to why I am the way I am and what I can really do and be for her. Maybe then we will understand why we love each other a little bit more than we do now.

But always I just have to remember one thing: Sometimes you gotta take life one hour at a time.