Withdrawals

Last night I could barely keep my eyes closed. It seemed like every hour on the hour I was up and checking my phone. I don’t know why. I kept thinking about her last night.

This hasn’t happened in months. I used to be able to sleep soundly at night. Just dream about her and wake up somewhat satisfied because it was only a dream and not really her. At least it was about her… So why now? Why at this very moment am I so jolted with energy with that immense feeling of missing someone? I have never been as close to someone before her. She has literally changed everything on how I feel about the people I love. I’m not complaining. I guess I just want more. I want more every second. Is this what real love feels like?

Yeah, sure, I take life an hour at a time, but it feels like whenever that hour resets the feeling never goes away. What can I do to overcome this again? I have too many questions with not enough answers. Then I ask even more questions of why there aren’t any answers to what I want to know. I cant grasp my feelings half the time. I just want some closure on all of this. I want to know the difference between falling in love and learning to love someone. I guess I have loved people in the past, but it was never at an instant. Not like this one. I want to know whats so wrong about feeling this way. Or is it even wrong? Is it only right if you can contain it?

The people I’ve dated in the past, sure, I’ve felt excited about seeing them again. Sometimes I would get really excited and tell people that I’m about to see someone who, at the time, made me happy. But not once, not even a little bit, did I ever feel like this. She’s like a dang drug. I am so addicted to her. Some tell me to stay away for a while and simmer down but there are some who encourage the feeling and support the addiction. I don’t know who to listen to. Should I listen to the people I ask the question to? Or should I listen to my stupid, stupid heart that keeps beating until it beats me to death with my own feelings?

I guess like an addict what if I end up scaring her away? Maybe she has never encountered anything like this. I would doubt it cause I would figure almost every guy would go nuts over her. Maybe not as bad as me. I guess I wouldn’t know. But one thing I do know is that I’ve never felt this before. It’s literally a drug. You never know how to get a grip until you’ve tried it. I really like it.

Shoot… I really love it. Who am I kidding? I really mean it when I love her. So I guess my question is, how do you control it? Or better yet, should I control it? Is it so wrong to express your true feelings to someone who literally has saved you from your own self over and over again? Is it wrong to tell them exactly how you feel without even thinking about their side of the story just because you just can’t keep it in because it’ll drive you nuts until the end of time?

Maybe in relationships there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrongs’. There is no wrong way to express your love for someone, unless that love leads to a personal protection order… that is taking it a bit far. But there is also not really a right way to do it either.

See for me I can never find the exact words to translate my feelings. When she said “I love you” for the first time, what was my initial response? I felt like she was my missing puzzle piece…. really?! Really?!?! That’s the best I could come up with? God if I was her I would of left right on the spot. It’s true that I have been searching for someone like her for years and years. When I finally got to I didn’t know what I was feeling. I knew that I was feeling this incredible love for her, but I had no clue what to say.

Should I just take the time to sit down with her and explain to her everything that I’m feeling? Or just kind of let it happen and take its course?

Sorry for all of the questions in this. Like I said, I don’t have a lot of answers for almost any of my questions. I guess that’s the fun part of being in love. I always keeping my mind busy but at least the subject on my mind is about her. Nothing wrong with that I guess.

Maybe this month should be used to take the time away from her to really figure out my feelings for her. I know that it won’t be anything bad. Not even close. But I don’t want to end up having her run away from me in fear of hurting me for not apparently meeting my expectations of her. Little does she know, or maybe she does, she has exceeded every expectation I had/have of her.

We compromise, almost never fight/argue, we take the time to set boundaries, rules, things that we don’t like, willing to change something small for each other. And all of her mistakes she has made I have made the same ones. And all the mistakes I’ve made she has made the same ones, too. It’s literally perfect.

Sometimes perfect is scary. I never know when anything will ever last. It seems like everything somehow finds its way to wiggle its way out of my life. Whether it hurts me or takes me with it, somethings just are never permanent.

Ugh… I just feel another hardcore workout tonight. That usually calms me down. Maybe after I’m finished moving the rest of my mothers things to my apartment.

Hopefully I’ll get it together sooner than later.