So I haven’t been myself lately. I had to learn to do the unthinkable…
I had to separate myself from the people I love the most. Just for now, not permanently. I couldn’t let them see me like this. I was so flustered, so angry, and so upset with everything going on. The smallest issue seemed to be the biggest problem in the world. I couldn’t think straight and I became exactly what I feared.
So I had to tell people that I did not want to talk to them for a while. The last thing I want people to do is to hate me . Hate me for being overwhelmed of everything going on. Usually I’m a really sociable person so this whole ‘alone time’ is still pretty difficult. I would text someone here and there and be real short about it. Really my focus was getting my moms stuff out of her place so that I can move onto the next problem.
It’s like regardless of who I am with, my girl, my mom, my friends, and anyone really, I felt like I just couldn’t explain exactly what was going on with me. Everything just seems to fall apart. Nothing seemed to stick and only things were being taken away. Slowly, week by week, day by day.
Work was slipping because of stupid people wanting what I was getting. Or jealous of what they thought I had. My family was falling apart because of stupid financial issues going on. My mom and my sister constantly fighting putting blame on everything else except for themselves. And there I was. In the middle of the chaos having to clean it up while at the same time trying to sort out my own issues.
During the long drives back and forth packing, loading, and unloading (all by myself) I had a clear vision. It was more of a reality check. I wasn’t losing anything at all except my mind. My mind was going off the wall. I was not prioritizing anything properly. What should of been more important I thought it was just a nuisance and put it aside. I was bothered when it came up because I thought other issues going on were more important.
Needless to say I felt terrible. Hell, I felt horrible. I had no idea who I was. I wanted to do nothing but apologize to everyone that was turning away from me but I felt like they kept their distance so they wouldn’t have to hear me say anything. I don’t blame them.
Sometimes when I get like this I always just lose control. I always relied on others to help solve my issues. Usually my mom was always there for me. She was the one to talk to, but she was the main big reason of everything going on. For me, all of this is new. I lived a prosperous life as a kid and never really had any “real” life problems. The worst of my worries as a kid was wondering why I couldn’t get a video game I wanted or why I couldn’t stay the night at a friends house.
All of anything that normal people dealt with didn’t come to me until I was probably seventeen. That’s when my parent’s marriage started to really show its cracks, when our financial issues surfaced, and my anxiety started to pick up. I started to become really paranoid. Mostly of people leaving me or certain things leaving me. I guess you can say I have some sort of a “self” diagnosed separation anxiety. I’ve just had so many things leave me in such a short period of time. I still don’t know how to handle being away from certain things.
I was always with friends growing up. I was always around people and we never had an issue or a care in the world. Now, as an adult, all I can think about are what I want to keep with me and what I can afford to lose. It’s just been nothing but stress and I feel like I’m at my breaking point of sanity sometimes.
Then someone explained to me that I don’t have to be so stiff or like a one way road. I have to just let it all flow with time. Be like water is what I was told to be like. Of course it was from a Chinese friend, but he was right. It’s like the quote from Bruce Lee:
“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.
Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
Once I started to empty my mind I had a clear vision of how people really started to see me. I brought a lot of smiles to people’s day. I gave them hope when they saw how far I’ve come. I give people a sense of pride that they know someone like me. I feel so much like gold. Just so precious to the people who truly appreciate who I really am and can understand that some days I will be dull and most days I will shine. Life isn’t easy. There are no guides or any real good tips on how to live it. Sometimes the worst happens and every once and a while I will just have to take a break. There’s nothing wrong with that. If I have to make myself separate from the world to prevent others from worrying about me then so be it. I always bounce back in the end anyway.
My biggest fear is always being something that people know that I’m not. I almost never over exaggerate anything. I never get mad. I never get angry. People always know me as that happy chipper type guy who looks like he wants to own the world to make it better. Everyone always seems to enjoy their time with me and I’ve been told I have some sort of a silver tongue that makes people like me without even trying. I guess all you need is a good attitude and a smile.
So I think I’ll mix the two. I’ll try to be clear minded like water and shine like gold.
Life will take me where ever it pleases, but I’ll always maintain my value and just go with the flow.