So today is a new start to everything. My mom’s situation is now in the past, my work has been slowly picking itself back up, and as for my relationship, well, why would that ever change? 🙂
But after all the crap I’ve been dealing with a few friends of mine knew that Monday wasn’t exactly going to be the easiest one for me. They invited me out for a few drinks with them to kind of get me to talk about what’s going on in my life.
At first, I didn’t want to. I needed to get things organized at my place. But at the same time, I could use another day to just not care. I already used that ticket back in 2014 on New Years Eve. I just wanted a night where I didn’t care about anything except me and my sweetheart. So, of course like anyone else would, I went all out. Let’s just say that I successfully completed that mission.
So I thought another night of just not thinking about any of my problems would be a good one. I didn’t go mad crazy with this. Just a beer or two with a meal perfectly fitted for a bar (Mmmm… Nachos…). We all got a table at a local bar just down the road from me. It was nice. It wasn’t like tons of my friends went. It was just a few people from other departments that all wanted to just have a sit down chat with me and to catch up on my life. I just told them what they needed to know.
We talked about my mom, my sister, my job, my future pending opportunities, they all wanted to know about my girl, because they knew I had always been really hurt at the end of every relationship, but more importantly they wanted to know how I was. They told me that regardless of how many times I smiled or laughed they could see something wasn’t right with me. Every once and a while they would catch me off guard just spacing out. Sometimes when I think I just go into this mode where everything around me just turns off. Doing that on the job is especially a no-no.
But I told them that the worst is behind me. I can start to be who I am without having to worry about anyone else. My mom is living in Korea with a very loving person, my sister if finally moving from her abusive boyfriend, people at work are starting to give back the trust that should have never been taken from me, and they were happy to hear that I was branching out my career options and being smart about it.
Sometimes people never have to ask how my girl and I are doing. They would just assume that we are doing great. Every one knows I go into great care and detail when picking out gifts or doing something special. Anyone can buy movie tickets, anyone can reserve a dinner table, anyone can suggest a walk in a park, but when was the last time you had people lean in when you express how much you cared about someone. Like explaining the whole process of getting a very meaningful gift. Shoot, I feel like word gets out that I’m so love-struck that there is no point for any girl to come up and talk to me. I’ll just leave them disappointed by saying “no”.
Overall, it was a night that I really needed. Surrounded by people who actually cared. People who would listen and understand that I wasn’t being who I really am because of all of the crap that has been thrown at me. Eventually, even for someone like me, there is a breaking point. I hit mine pretty hard.
So after we all said our goodbyes I started my way home. I was feeling all relaxed and calm in the car. I thought the worst was over.
I pulled into my drive way, locked the car door, and made my way to the back entrance of my apartment. I just stopped dead in my tracks as soon as I saw my door. It looked like someone kicked it in. The door was halfway open and all of the lights were off in my apartment. I always leave at least a light on before I go anywhere.
I crept up to the door and slowly opened up the door the rest of the way. My first initial thought was “where are the animals?” I was sure the cats and my dog had ran away since I was gone for three hours. I was panicking, but kept my cool. I didn’t know if anyone was still inside or if anyone was even in there. Thankfully the motion sensor light wasn’t working right so everything was still dark for me if there was an intruder.
In my back room I always keep my shotgun there (I keep a gun in almost every room… Not paranoid or anything…). I very carefully, while scanning the place, grabbed the gun out from its hiding spot. Living in an old Victorian house is not the best way to be sneaky. As I leaned over to grab it you could hear the floor boards creaking. Almost every step on the hardwood floor echoed and bounced off the walls.
I always keep the chamber of every weapon empty because in case someone breaks in and finds one I don’t want them to pull the trigger first on me (again, not paranoid. Just very aware of my environment). I gave it a swift pump. You could hear the metal grinding as it puts in a shell ready to be fired if needed. I slowly walked throughout the rest of my apartment with my gun raised up, finger straight and off the trigger. My heart was pounding, thoughts racing, and I was controlling my breathing. To my eyes the room kept pulsating temporarily disturbing my vision. I was worried about my dog. I didn’t dare call her name. Last thing I wanted to do was to startle someone that wasn’t suppose to be there.
Everything was still there. It was weird. Nothing was disturbed. I almost felt offended that if there were home invaders that they didn’t find my stuff worthy to take. I was sure I had at least something of value. But I kept slowly walking around my apartment checking windows, closets, and the front door. The more and more I walked around the more afraid I was of being alone. Usually my dog freaks at the sound of a gun and goes right into aggressive mode. But I thought she was long gone when I got nothing after racking my shotgun.
I was almost done scanning the entire apartment. I came up to my closet in the living room. The door is always open. I could hear something move in their. The closer I got to the door, the tighter I gripped my gun. Every step forward I was just anticipating something jumping out and trying to attack me. I hugged the wall right next to the door and with one swift movement I pushed the door open with my foot while pivoting over with my gun raised up.
Everything was like in slow motion. The entire apartment was freezing cold, so I could see my breath. The little water particles rising every time I exhaled, the door leaving a blurry wake as it swung open, hearing my heart pounding next to my ear, and passing cars on the street were streaming their headlights for short moments in the dark living room.
Melon, my dog, and my two cats were huddled up in the closet. They were cold from the door being open. Melon and them were sleeping together to stay warm. Melon was snorting and wagging her tail as soon as she saw me. She was so excited to see me. I laid my gun on the couch and embraced her. After everything that has happened I thought I lost her, too.
My cats were just hungry. Right when I opened the door they went straight to their bag of food. So much for giving a care about me…
I walked to the back room, shut the door, and just laid in bed with Melon. She kept snorting at me and pushing her face up to mine. I wasn’t sure if I should of taken this as a sign, or from now on check to see if my door actually closes before leaving, but I thought about something real for once.
Just because something looks terrible and scary something good is always hiding in all of the chaos.
With all the chaos and being blinded by rage and fear, I always end up finding some sense of hope with people that I love. Sometimes I feel like the Asian version of the Incredible Hulk. I don’t get uncontrollably pissed off and start pounding and beating everything. I’m not some insane psychopath. But I do start to become something that everyone starts to fear. They see how I beat myself down and get sucked into this world of depression, anxiety, and fear. I really do change…
But I do calm down after a sweet person talks some sense into me. Then I start to go right back to who I am. Not exactly proud of it but at least I can be honest about it.
Even if I don’t act like myself during the chaotic situations, in the end I will eventually find some peace.