Rebuild/Renew/Rethink

Today is a new day!

The sun is shining, its almost at subzero temps, and I have pretty much the entire day to myself. When I woke up today, after another night out with friends, I woke up feeling refreshed. Like if anything were to just disappear from my life right now I would feel okay about it.

I think after talking last night about all of my feelings, thoughts, and recent events going on, my friends have agreed on one thing: I’ve gone through so much in the past month for a person my age. But things have been going so much better for me lately.

My mom is now living with her husband, my sister is moving, and my job is now putting me on leads for certain projects. I’m excelling at almost everything I put my mind to because now that the clouds have gone away I can be more clear about my thoughts. The only thing left to tackle is everything personal. And I think the biggest question is “Am I really ready for a relationship”?

Am I willing to conform to someone else’s needs? Am I willing to have them to conform to my needs? What am I willing to sacrifice for being happy with someone?

The way I see it… I may look like the perfect guy to date on the outside. Korean, working law enforcement and in the military, dedicated to my family, loves animals, will do anything for a girl, works out, always on the move, and I love making people feel happy. But what I really started to understand is one big part. I suck at relationships. Actually, to put it more lightly, I am terrible at them…

Looking back on my history, I was never truly happy in any of them. I was always doing what they wanted or they were doing what I wanted. In the end only one person was happy in a two person relationship. That’s no way to do things. So what do I do? It’s never a fair situation where one person has to sell off his/her own personal feelings for the benefit for the other person.

I think that if another relationship doesn’t work I’ll just quit. I will just not get into something big again. My fear and anxiety get to the best of me. The past doesn’t dictate your present situation, but it sure as hell makes up who you are. Thanks to certain people I’m so worried about losing people. It puts so many negative thoughts in my mind to the point where my smiles have to almost be forced.

But maybe I shouldn’t have to worry about any of that. What if I’m just only freaking myself out and I end up being someone that a person is willing to change a little for and I am willing to change just a little myself for them? Two people can’t change major parts of their life just for the sake of a title. It’s not fair and definitely not right.

Well, if everything for me does work, I’ll keep on doing what I do best. If it doesn’t, I will just quit dating. It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’ll get me more focused on what I need to complete without getting my personal feelings crushed. Just remember what I always say: A second chance is just another chance to get hurt.

Just not excited for today… My apartment is literally a swimming hole of filth. I’ve been so busy getting everything from my moms to my place and, because I’ve been working around the clock, my laundry and evidence of dinner meals are surrounding me. There is this strange smell developing and I’m not having it at all. I’m normally a neat freak and freaking out is exactly what I’m doing right now.

I am going to rearrange my apartment today. Maybe later today I’ll throw up some pictures of what it looks like after I’m done with it. Hopefully it wont look weird or stupid, but maybe you guys can help out with that. All I know is Pandora will be playing 90’s summer hits (By the way… Best category of all on there) while I clean and move things around. I might stop and have little air guitar jam session singing. I’ll look around my place before I even start. Last thing I want is someone blackmailing me looking all goofy.

Wish me luck!

Just remember, its always sunny somewhere!