I’ve been super duper neglectful of this blog. I know that people have been waiting patiently (or have lost patience) for me to write something on here. Even if it’s just a paragraph explaining why I’m gone. Hopefully this long (maybe long) post will explain most of it.
I’ve been on a “Life Searching” moment. Trying to find some reason for everyday to exist. I don’t know why but lately I’ve been kind of moping to myself about how life is just slowly wasting away to our ultimate fate and I am doing nothing about it. I just sit on the couch and just slowly watch time go by. I wake up then just go to bed with no substance in the middle during the day.
One day it actually got so bad I just got up and went to work to work on a training tool we have. I think it all finally hit a climax on April Fool’s day.
Speaking of which… Girls… Never EVER joke about being pregnant with your man. Worst heart stopping (yet hilarious) April Fool’s joke on the way to dinner ever. I mean I literally just sat in the car and everything started to fade to black. It’s not like I was excited but I wasn’t upset either. It was just like “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” I look over and my girlfriend is red in the face with the biggest smile ever. I mean probably a bigger smile than when we first met. That is when I knew she was totally kidding. I finally took in some air and had to join in on the laugh. I totally forgot what day it was and we just died laughing for a good while.
But back to the topic at hand.
We were at dinner. Olive Garden to be more specific (although where dinner was doesn’t really add any real context to the whole story. Just thought you would like to know that we enjoy Italian food…). I was telling a story and she did the whole staring into my eyes and then wandering off type deal. She then told me that almost all of my stories were from work, the Marines, or with people that she will never meet. As odd as it as I didn’t really see it that way at all, but apparently it’s been that way for ever.
Earlier that day (I wasn’t there for this part) she was out with one of our mutual best friends. Our friend told my girlfriend that I work too much. Obviously my lady agreed with that statement. It just seems like all of my hobbies (including this) has just gone down the drain and the point of my existence at that point was just work.
We went out for a long drive that night. We just talked about our lives and how messed up and funny they were leading up to the point where we finally met each other (if I even began telling my life story all at once people would need therapy. Let’s just agree that my life is substantially better right now). But right when I got home I just sat down and was in deep thought. Everything in the past few years has been about work. It was actually quite depressing and demoralizing.
It wasn’t my girlfriends fault at all. The thing that made me quite upset, and relieved at the same time, was that on my days off I just struggle to find things to do to keep me occupied. I don’t know how to do anything unless I was under a set schedule. Maybe that’s why I liked being at boot camp for the Marines so much. Well… I didn’t exactly “Love” it but I did like that everyday was already planned. There wasn’t much thought to what tomorrow was going to bring and what you were doing that day.
Just like work. I know when I have to go to work, I know where I have to be, and I know when it will end. I put partial blame on the fact that in the past I have always lived with someone so most of my time was taken with doing what they wanted to do and I just went with it. But now that I am living alone with just Melon and I… I just find a constant struggle bringing back any life spark to my day-to-day activities. I mean I go out to pick up food instead of cooking just to leave the house and to say I did something. Sometimes it makes me laugh and sometimes its just upsetting.
I mean when I make a list of everything that I used to do to occupy my time I realized that almost none of it was just by myself. It was always something to do with friends. Now that we are all grown up (age can be such a bugger!) people have almost no time for anything. Everyone is married, in a relationship, working, busy in general, or just not up to it because they had such a long week doing whatever it is that they just want to sit and rest. But the problem is that I am so restless. I always want to do something to try to find some purpose.
I used to bike ride all the time, I used to play the cello, I used to video game like no other (okay… that I still do but I’m trying to get out into the world), I used to just go to a friends house and hang out with them, and I used to go on long road trips to wherever life takes us just for the spur of the moment. Have I really lost my edge? Did my young brand new blade become dull and boring losing its shine and glory? Who knows…
I guess I find excitement in things that others don’t really find any pleasure at all. I love to garden. I love thinking about what I will plant. I love thinking about big house projects to finally complete. I have such a restless mind that I feel like almost no one can compete with. Am I finally losing it?
Well now I have a new goal and a new path to take. From now on I will be doing a lot of “hobby” searching. If any of you have any suggestions please feel free to comment or email me.
I think first things first is that I need to buy a bike. Not like a motorcycle but a pedal bike. I feel like I would have fun exploring the world on a set of wheels.
Also since I have trouble keeping up a daily blog I will be downgrading it down to a weekly blog. I just feel like I have to figure out during the week of what I can do with my life. We only live for so long before it all goes away. Might as well make the best of it 🙂
So wish me luck in the search.
My posts will now be every Friday at 7 pm.