Working the night shift is really throwing my days off. I can’t remember what day it is or what time it really is when I wake up. I look at my phone and usually I wake up around three in the afternoon. That’s my new seven in the morning…
But so far the new job has been great. Everyone has been willing to help me out during the difficult times of learning new stuff. A lot of computer work, patrols, and just random videos we find on YouTube and laugh at. It’s probably one of the best jobs I’ve had so far. Wearing the badge and being called a “Deputy” is really something I’ve been working for.
But lately I haven’t really been able to keep calm. Well… On the outside I have been. But when I leave work it gets harder and harder to be able to get sociable again. I am brand new at a job in a brand new city. There isn’t one person that I have really talked to from the place that I came from. I knew all of the “oh we will keep in touch” is just talk that people say on your last day, but we really know what it means.
I always wonder what it would be like if I accepted the deputy job in the city that I was originally living in. How different things would be. But then I realize that had I stayed I would just be involved in the old problems of living in a place that I wasn’t happy with.
My time gets occupied with working out, going out for drives, and house work. I feel like sometimes I purposely make my place dirty just so I can keep busy cleaning it one day. It’s almost weird when I think about it…
Out east of where I’m at is where my sister lives. She’s always been bugging me about going out to town with her and her friends. I think she is starting to feel bad that I have almost zero friends at my new place (aside from my friend who is a personal trainer in a gym about ten minutes away from my townhouse). But my days are usually the same. Study up on the department policies, working out, driving, and watching Netflix. My sister really wants me to start getting out in the dating world. I know it’s too soon.
I think for now all I can do is just focus on the more important things. I can make time for friends later. I can make time for someone special later. I’ve burned so many bridges in the past month I might as well try to figure out how to rebuild what I’ve lost. Not necessarily figure out how to build it back to the people I’ve lost, but rather learn how it happened.
My therapist thinks that I have finally learned how the real world works. She made a point that I have really taken a big step these past few days I’ve seen her. She’s starting to see that I am accepting what has happened to me and that I no longer sing the sob story to try to make everyone feel bad. She got me to admit I tried to get sympathy and empathy from everyone I meet, but I now realize that the two can never happen at the same time.
So for now I’ll just focus on picking up myself before picking up the broken pieces around me. When I look on the bright side I think of this. I’m at a job where it is highly respected, I have a nice new place, and I have an opportunity to a fresh start. Might as well not mess this one up. Maybe I really do need to just erase everyone from the past and just keep moving forward. There was so much damage done in the past that sometimes its just better to walk away. It might be more expensive to fix rather than to just get something newer and better.
But this whole night shift lifestyle schedule is weird. It’s not killing me. It’s just weird. Maybe I should find someone who is also a night shifter. Someone who can hang on the same time schedule as me and not feel tired at all around four in the morning yet be out like a log when its noon. That would make things a lot easier for me.
I guess all I can do is just wait and see. I got so much time left to make a change and see a difference. I’m just glad its the Fourth of July.
Just a small section dedicating the men and women who serve.
I was in the Marine Corps for four years. I am now serving as a firefighter in the Air National Guard. This past year has been crazy. Flag burning, anarchist remarks, and everything else that is tearing this great nation apart. But lets not forget why we are allowed to say and do what we want. Whether or not you are for or against anything that is going on in the world it’s wonderful that our nation has fought for those rights. One thing that people need to realize that if you don’t like it in this nation and you disagree with every right that people have, then leave. I did not serve to those who are not grateful for every right that was given to them that was earned with blood, sweat, and tears. If you really want to know what it’s like in another country, then what is stopping you?
The terror threats, FBI warnings, and the fear that is spread across the nation shall be dealt with courage and spirit. I will fly my flag high and proud. Let no other nation take away what I have. Let us not forget the men and women who took an oath to protect and serve all who are in this nation and not just the few.
Be safe out there. Don’t go shooting roman candles at each other or make dumb decisions that could cost you your life and jeopardize your safety or those around you.
Have fun. Drink beer. Grill out. And thank the good lord that we are free.
Enjoy the fireworks 🙂