Last time I laid in a bed and had something more than 1 hour of sleep was probably Saturday. It was after a nap probably at about 4 in the afternoon. Every time I thought I had a moment to sleep my heart races. I can always feel it pounding. It’s weird to think that it can do that. Almost no water, food, or sleep. And yet I can hear my heart pounding right up to my ear.
I am wide awake. I have had moments where in the Marine Corps I have stayed up over 24 hours and I felt exhausted. Even if it was just being on post doing nothing. I have felt so exhausted. There were times where I woke up at 8am and went to work at 6pm and start a full 12 hour shift. And I always feel like I just cant keep going.
I’ve been up almost 36 hours. I have worked out, went for a run, and even tried to listen to people reading a book on YouTube. I don’t know exactly when it was the last time I have felt like this. It’s like literally every time I try to sleep the magic 5 Hour Energy Fairy comes by and just dopes me up.
Is this what it feels like when you lost something great? Every time my eyes start to get heavy I think I feel her hand run down my arm and I get the chills. I close my eyes again and I think I hear her laugh and I gasp for air. I lay on the couch on my stomach and I just see her make a grin right in front of me and I jump.
I have been through break ups. I’ve broken off an engagement before. I’ve said goodbye to plenty of great friends and they’ve done the same to me. But every time I have been able to fall asleep just fine and wake up the next day feeling refreshed. I have no concept of time. I don’t even remember if what I did earlier was today or 2 days ago.
So why now? What is it that I feel about this right now? Maybe I didn’t tell her everything that I felt about her because it was going to push her away. Or maybe I’m regretting not telling her because I don’t get that opportunity now or ever. I can’t imagine being without her. It’s tough. I wish I could just be able to get through this week completely sober free. Damn the law enforcement job duties…
I just want to sit in my own pity and sorrow and just soak in all of the feelings that I have and just wash them away. But would that be weak of me? Would I be weak if I resorted to something like that? I would just be oppressing it. It’s just another form of a lie. I would be lying to myself if I tried to hide away those feelings.
Do I just deal with it? See where it goes? Maybe jump to my therapists office tomorrow… Er… Today… What time is it?
All I know is that this week is going to be a living hell. I don’t get the opportunity to go to my job and keep that switch flipped on. That switch turns off right when I walk into the Sheriff Department. It stays off as long as I have the uniform on. My problems don’t exist anymore. They don’t exist until I don’t have that badge right over my heart. Then it’s right back to reality. Then I do that all over again.
I wish it were a luxury to be able to have that slight moment of opportunity of peace and quiet to think all alone… but once that radio goes off and they are calling for “all available” it’s not something that can be clouded over by a relationship or personal issue. What if I miss it? What if a fellow deputy needed me and all I did was think about my own personal problem?
We all work as a team. Regardless of what I’m going through should not affect what my partner expects of me because I have that same expectation for him/her. Whatever is going on in their life needs to find its shut off valve right when we slip into the uniform because I need to rely on them to be quick when I need them. If either of us gets our sh*t rocked because of our negligence to duty then we all have more problems on top of what we are already dealing with.
I had that issue at my last department. I didn’t know where the switch was or when to turn it off. Working at the Sheriff Department I was able to figure that out right on the spot. The day before I was sworn in the very same girl that is haunting me in my sleep right now left because of my stupid mistakes (again). I was upset and sad… But as soon as that uniform tossed right on I wasn’t Alex any more. I was Deputy at that point.
You live two different lives. You have two different senses of humor. You develop another family. You begin to make different kind of friends. One thing is that if you aren’t in law enforcement or close to the law enforcement family, and even then, you wont get anything that we have to deal with or do. Our jokes are different. Our comments are different. Our understanding is at a far different level. It’s how we cope with how stressful our job is. At a snap of a finger I could have someone reaching in his belt and come swinging at me. At a snap of a finger the person I’m dealing with could be doing something to divert my attention. And at those moments its a split second decision on what to do.
Our goal is get home at the end of the day. Get your partner home at the end of the day. If you have to knock some teeth out, break a bone, or end up making the ultimate decision then so be it, but you got to make it home. Its always a fight that is always brewing. Its never “if” its always a matter of “when”.
And that’s why we can’t merge too much of our outside lives to our second one we live. If it overlaps and clouds it we lose focus. We get distracted. We get over stressed. And then you get burnt out. I just wish I had a desk job where I can sit down by myself and just Google on how to help me to prove to someone that I will always fight for them. That I can take the time to take a lap and go over my head of how much pain am I really in and what I can do to cope with it.
But at the end of the day… Through all of the pain, guilt, regrets, sadness and the feeling of missing someone I wouldn’t think of another place I’d rather be than with my second family of the law. Because we all get to flip that switch off and replace it with another. The laughs are different and the smiles are different than the ones we have on the outside. Because no one gets us except for us.
Maybe I am ready for work. It’s now been 36 hours that I’ve been up with 1 meal and 2 work outs in.
What I wish could happen is her real hand being on me and hearing her actual voice. I feel like my beautiful townhouse is being haunted by a beautiful ghost.
The most messed up American Horror Story ever!