All posts tagged: Change

Am I In Too Deep?

So the past few days have been… Well there is no other way to put it other than: WEIRD¬†yet AWESOME I have been still exploring the world of “Online Dating”. I compare it to like… Mayonnaise. If you never tried it how can you tell you wont like it? (did I get it spot on???) My Match.com searches have been… surprising. There have been a few people where I, sadly to admit, just flat out go “… nope…” The worst part of the whole thing is when you see someone that you actually know on the outside world. For example… I have had people that I used to go to high school with and old co workers trying to contact me on it. Now I have significantly changed since high school. Just imagine a punk rock kiddo with black jeans and a rock band T-shirt and that’s me. We were all there at one point in our lives… So people have messaged me over and over going “OMG you got so hot since high school! …

Feel The Pain

So I have been hitting the gym more and more often since I parted ways with my friend. Every day my arms get that nice little stretching pain you get after a great workout. I look in the mirror and I get happier and more satisfied each time. Everything is starting to look more cut. Everything is starting to get more pumped. I’ve even lost about twelve pounds this month. I think now that I am more focused on me I can finally get what I want. I want a better body. I want to be better at my job. I want better things to put around my house. I’ve been doing more online shopping. Doing more runs. Doing more of everything that makes me happy. It’s been a lot of self work lately. I just look around my place and realize what needs to be done. I feel like this isn’t even a home anymore because nothing is mine. Almost everything I own is from someone else. The computer desk I found, the couch …

Best Way to Say Goodbye

Wednesday was a weird day. I asked my friend to meet up again for just one last time. The only thing I could give her was the truth. There was no more forgiveness, pleading, or begging. None of that would lead us to what actually needed to happen. So we sat down at one of our favorite bars we used to go to all the time. It was fun at first. I showed her my taser video from my department. We laughed about it and I showed her all my marks and burns from where I got hit. Told her about some guy elbowing me in the face and getting a nasty cut on my lip. She was more concerned as to why the guy was still walking. It was also still a little puffed up. It didn’t hurt that bad. So the past few days I’ve been through a lot of emotional and physical pain. I’ve literally been beat down to the ground from everything. Amazingly I was still able to get up and …

Why…

I thought I started everything fresh. I thought I could find some sense of direction of what was the difference between right and wrong when it comes to someone special. The sad part is I really thought I did. The past week I was able to reconnect with someone who I lost because of my secrets I kept from her. I don’t know if anyone recalls but about a couple¬†weeks ago I made a post about how I had been able to reconnect with a very special someone. The promise was “don’t come back unless you have a plan“. A plan… I had a plan. I made a plan. I wanted to do whatever it takes to stick to that plan. The plan was no more secrets. No more hiding. No more deception. It was all out there. Even if she found something that I forgot about it was there. No fear. No regrets. Only explanation and understanding. During our break I was angry and upset. Not with her but with myself. I couldn’t bare …