It’s a little earlier than normal when I start these posts, but there is something that I just need to get out there.
I don’t really understand what is happening to me. Ever since I started dating my girl I just had trouble sleeping. I figured it was normal for me since we were and still are in the beginning phases of a relationship. After I would text her goodnight I would toss and turn for an hour or two and finally fall asleep.
I haven’t told her this but every day since day 1 of meeting her I have woken up at odd early times of the day. I normally wake up at 5:30 AM so I can get all my morning things done before work. But somehow I have been waking up at at least 4 AM.
I used to wake up with my phone’s alarm blaring in my ear. But now I seem to beat the clock. I always check my phone to see the time and sure enough the alarms aren’t even close to sounding.
Today was a little extreme and I guess that’s what made me want to write about this.
I fell asleep after my workout around 9 PM. I suddenly woke up at 2:30 AM after having a dream about her. Every time I try to go back to sleep but the thought of her is like an energy surge through my veins. Its like no matter how hard I try I cant fall back asleep. The only thing I can do is just get excited that shes still in my life and lay in bed thinking about her.
The really odd thing about it is that it only happens during the times I know I will see her whether its at work or on our days off. It’s like I know in my sleep that I will see her and that it makes me want to start my day even earlier.
She asked me yesterday how I am so energetic and happy when I see her. She even admitted she doesn’t know how to handle it, but that it wasn’t a bad thing. She just hasn’t had anyone that excited or happy to see her I guess. Or that she think’s I’m crazy. I think I am a little but the voice in my head told me that I’m fine. The only answer I could give her at the time was she makes me feel 100%.
She doesn’t know what time I actually wake up or even realizes that shes the reason behind it. There are probably over a billion reasons why this special lady makes me so excited to see her. The one simple answer is she makes me feel some real happiness.
For many years I have faked my depression with over exaggerated laughter so that no one would question how depressed I actually was. I acted all goofy to make others laugh just to see if that would bring me up. It usually worked but only for about a minute or two. But there’s just something about her.
She admitted she is also really good at faking her feelings. But when she’s with me its like she doesn’t have to put up a wall. We both open up to each other. Some people have good laughs but we have great ones together. I cant remember the last time I cried laughing. Or the time where my side started to hurt. I cant even remember the last time I didn’t care who was around while I just started to die from laughter with tears running down my bright red face.
She can do this to me. We can do that to each other. Its something that we needed and missed for so many years.
So I guess where I’m getting at with this is I don’t know how to push her out of my mind during the night. Every day I see her whether its in person or in my dreams. I don’t know if this is the “honeymoon” phase that everyone keeps telling me about but I know that this feeling wont ever go away. I’ve had relationships where I was head-over-heels about them but not like this.
In the past those feelings usually died out after a month or two. There was nothing to keep me wanting to learn about them or want to miss them. Yeah I would say that I “love” them or use similar terms but that was it. There was no drive or feelings behind it other than words spitting out of my mouth.
My best friend put it this way. I am the Asian version of Ted Mosby from “How I Met Your Mother”.
The reason is that she said I was always looking for love but never to fall in love with. She saw how I would always find a girl that I “loved” but ended up being so worn out that I could barely even say “hi” to people. I guess, yeah, it’s true that I always loved who ever I was with but nothing really kept that drive going other than I settled for what was there and rolled with it.
This girl though has kept me going at it. I don’t have that feeling where I want to just settle with what I got anymore. We both know that we have an option to walk out if we want to, but every day we choose to be with each other. Every day makes us want each other more and more. If it were up to me, I would be with her for every second of my day.
I know more about her than I knew anything about any of my ex’s combined. I want to know more about her. All of the good and bad. She is without a doubt the first girl I have ever fallen in love with.
Seeing her for the first time was the moment I thought I knew, but here is what really sold it to me.
A few weeks after we started dating I left for a training on the east side of the country for the Marines. We were out in the swamps for a field op. I always texted her good morning and set my phone away in my tent. Then off I went to start the training day.
It was always 90 degrees out and a 110% humidity. We put on pounds and pounds of gear (infantry problems) and we set off for our patrols and assault drills.
The only thing I could think about was running back to my tent and shooting off a quick text saying that no matter what I will always think of her. I chatted up a storm about her with my fellow Marines. They are the closest thing I have for a family and they’ve never seen me this happy about a girl.
When the day was almost over, after bug bites, falling into swamp pools, and being all nasty and sweaty my attention was on her. Even though she was hundreds of miles away just seeing her words on a dimly lit phone screen made me feel close to her. It didn’t even matter how much it sucked to be in the field. All that mattered to me was that I had someone to think about and someone to come home to.
As corny or cheesy as this may sound I am madly in love with this girl. Some days where I can only maintain at least 5 hours of sleep seeing her makes me boost my energy levels to the max.
Our next big date night is coming up next week. I planned just a simple movie date ending with a night out in a field with a blanket and just us holding hands looking up at the sky. Talking about our dreams, our goals, and about us.
I can’t wait just lay next to her in a moment of silence. A time where we just don’t think about our personal problems and that we’re just glad that we’re together. Then we’ll slowly look at each other and stare right into each others eyes. And we’ll look just for a moment right before a kiss.
And the same look that I’ll give her will be the same one that she’ll give me. The look where we just stare into each others eyes and without saying a single word we know exactly what we are thinking.
“Where have you been all my life?”