Bad Reputation

Sort of in a funk today. I mean… talk about a day with many ups and downs.

Day started out like every day has. Woke up, got ready for the day, and just sat around until I leave this god forsaken city. I am just waiting to move on with my life to the next biggest thing and I’m looking for someone, or something, to be a good fit for me. I’ve been selling things on Craigslist like mad. Mostly just workout equipment.

Now… Confession time… My very last email wasn’t exactly what people would  call “professional” to the last department I worked for. It was a very (in my mind) well written joke email to the rest of the department as a “goodbye and thanks for the great time you pricks” email.

We all know that there are just a number of ways rumors can start. Discrimination can exist outside of sex and race. Not saying that I am what you would call a “victim” but the fact that I was an easy target kind of made it hard to keep a clean reputation.

My parents always told me that work hard and play later. They opened up their own business with their bare hands. And that’s the trait I always liked having.

No degree, barely a great record with high school and even worse in college, and little to no experience prior to my first job… I did alright. I busted my butt, I made sure my name was known in the most honest way, and I moved up at every opportunity I had.

Once I moved from my first job to my most recent one I thought it was the same deal. Instead I was the young guy in the dominantly female environment.

Some people have no idea what it’s like to prove what you’re actually worth with people labeling you right from the start. You have to literally climb to the top with your hands tied behind your back and feet bounded together with a blindfold on. It seems impossible. I did that. I did what I could and I made it. Then it all toppled. I don’t know where it went wrong but I can tell you where I ended up. I ended up at the bottom. 

There was no Pass Go And Collect $200. There was no “be all you can be” mentality. It’s literally a reset on everything. Everything that I worked for was lost at the snap of a finger. Rumors flared and people talked. It literally killed me. I tried to fight it back but after being snubbed of a promotion due to these rumors I just didn’t care. I didn’t care what people said about me. I didn’t care what people thought about me. I just didn’t care at all about anything the moment I got to work to the moment I left. 

I went along with the jokes and the rumors because that’s all I had. I had no credibility anymore. I had no “good” reputation left.

I felt like a championship boxer. It didn’t matter what I did, what my accomplishments were, or how I even got to a certain golden point in my career. Everyone just remembers the one time I lost it all and that was that. The moment people thought I just dated around and just felt like I was on a list to check off every girl was the moment I stopped caring.

See looking from my point of view, was it wrong of me to try to find someone who made me happy? Sex and touching aside I just wanted to be happy with someone. I was great at my job. I was great at talking to strangers. Was it so wrong for me to try to find someone I wanted to be great to and for? 

It was a lot of hit and misses I’ll admit that but from other people’s point of view I could see how it looked like I was just “shopping” for girls. I wasn’t looking to make a bad reputation cause honestly what good does that do for me? People honestly thought I just did it on purpose which made me sick.

So what did I do? I kept my mouth shut. I just cracked the same old stupid jokes I always did. At the same time I was looking for an out. Somewhere far away where no one knew who I was. I wanted to prove to people I am worth more than a bad rumor and a pretty smile. I wanted to show that I do what I have to do because it benefits me in the end.

The moment I interviewed with the sheriff department I am working for I knew I found it. They looked at my skill set. They saw that I cared about my career path. They saw that I had a great head on my shoulders and a potential that is hard to compare to anyone else.

So when I sent out my farewell email it was more of a “f**k you guys. I didn’t burn a bridge. You already did that for me the moment you labeled me. I’m just going to watch it burn”.

And I did. I watched it burn with whoever I sent that final email to. People called it childish, classless, and just out right stupid. But to me, in the position I was in, I call it not caring anymore.

I just didn’t and I still don’t. From a place who saw me as a kid from the start and nothing more is not a place I would want to continue working for. From a place that doesn’t appreciate your worth from the start to end is not a place I would want to continue working for. I want to be treated like a champ. Not the one who lost it all after one bad phase. I want to work for a group that appreciates me for my good and my bad. 

I created a wake for everyone else the moment I left. Some I truly feel sorry for. Especially the ones who didn’t deserve it. But for me I gotta figure out how to make my ride as smooth as possible. Find a place where it’s calm and where no one can pin me down and make me into something that I’m not.

I don’t have any direction or a clue. But I do have something that beats what I don’t have: motivation. I am motivated to get the heck out of dodge and start fresh to a place where I know I’ll be worth it to them and to myself.

That’s all I asked for. 

And that’s exactly what I got.

Sorry for the unusual negative post. I’ve been in a funk all day. Maybe it’s the weather or just the past creeping up again. 

But like I always say. Take it day by day or hour by hour. Tomorrow is always a fresh start from yesterday. 

Let’s see where I go.