That’s me accepting the badge by the Sheriff of the county I work for.
It was an exciting moment. I was so honored. It’s funny that a tiny piece of metal in a leather wallet can mean so much to someone. But to me it meant the world. All the pain, suffering, long hours, and experience I went to earn that badge was well worth it.
But what I realized at the moment of signing the paperwork was… No one I knew or cared about, at the time, was there to witness it. Right before that moment one of the worst moments in my life happened. I felt like I lost everything days before. Moved to a new city, got a new place, and hid the truth to someone who meant the world to me thus promptly ending that friendship. I had no one or nothing.
When I looked at that badge I thought to myself “do I really need anyone else to help me feel happy about what I’ve done?”
Later on when I was signing off on more paper work I kept thinking that over and over. I didn’t really need anyone. I got this because I didn’t let anyone get in my way of accomplishing my goals. Regardless of a girl, friend, or who ever else it may be they all knew I was going to do what I needed to do.
So maybe the only thing I regret is feeling that sense of accomplishment after I got the badge instead of during the moment. But at least I made a lot of people proud once I got appointed.
The first day on the job was overwhelming. Walking around the jail and running cell checks and so on. What I realized was that inmates are just people. My interactions with them were completely opposite of what I thought. You see it on TV. Guys in orange jump suits who look like thugs, act like thugs, and have no respect for anyone or anything. Not entirely true.
I had a lot of the long term inmates talk to me and actually congratulate me as being the new deputy on the team. Of course I didn’t shake their hand or anything, but I did find it weird that I actually got a long with a lot of them. Behind the tattoos, muscles, and jump suit is another human being. They all know the deputies really well and all respect each and every single one of them.
One thing that the sergeant told me was that as a deputy we have to respect them. We aren’t bullies. We are there to help control the situation and help them get back to the outside world. The deputies give them legal advice on what to do once they get out, they know their personal stories, and they actually show a bit of compassion for their situation. It was weird at first, but I finally got it. They are just people who made a bigger mistake than the normal population would.
Everyone makes mistakes. Lord knows I make a ton of them.
I remember that counseling session are free with my benefit package I have with the department. So I went to an office yesterday and got a scheduled appointment today. I wont disclose what is spoken during my session(s), but I do remember one topic that the therapist brought up. What made me laugh a little is exactly what my friend said before we parted ways last weekend.
She said everyone has a sad story to tell. But it’s really only sad to yourself. She told me that I needed to stop thinking that I’m the only one that goes through a hard time. She told me that I unintentionally tend to think that I’m a special case. She said once I break that mindset I can move on to the next step. She said that there is without a doubt that I am a fantastic person, but there is always room to make me better. She wont give me all the answers but she can help me find them. Hopefully this will help me shed off a bit of myself so I can move on with my life without any doubts, regrets, or extra baggage. It’s all up to me I guess.
But my puppy dog is begging to go on a car ride. I think I need a nice long one. I felt like I’ve been burning daylight by only running to grocery stores since I’ve been here. It’s about time to get to know the city I live in.
Back at it to work this weekend. Next up is taser training… I might have a video (or describe how it feels). I am excited and nervous as hell!