Why…

I thought I started everything fresh. I thought I could find some sense of direction of what was the difference between right and wrong when it comes to someone special. The sad part is I really thought I did.

The past week I was able to reconnect with someone who I lost because of my secrets I kept from her. I don’t know if anyone recalls but about a couple weeks ago I made a post about how I had been able to reconnect with a very special someone. The promise was “don’t come back unless you have a plan“.

A plan… I had a plan. I made a plan. I wanted to do whatever it takes to stick to that plan. The plan was no more secrets. No more hiding. No more deception. It was all out there. Even if she found something that I forgot about it was there. No fear. No regrets. Only explanation and understanding.

During our break I was angry and upset. Not with her but with myself. I couldn’t bare to think that I had hurt someone beyond, what seemed like, repair. She is a fragile girl as much as she wants to see herself as tough. I know this because I’m the same way. I like to think I’m “the man“. That nothing should make this building fall apart. But she told me I can’t build anything on a broken foundation.

So during our break I started to see a therapist. And she is great! She let me talk all about my issues but she kept going back to who I am. Who I want to be. What I want to be. And who I should be.

I thought I had at least had a plan for her. No more secrets. No more anything to hide. I truly thought I was doing this right. Not just for her, even though she deserves more than just truth, but for me. It’s all about who I want to be. Who I want to become. Selfish? Absolutely! Because I want to be 100% true to myself before I become 100% true to anyone else that matters.

If I cant be honest with the one person who should mean the most, being myself, then who can I really be honest to? I had to break down the heavy walls. I had to break down the patched up work. I had to start working on that broken foundation the best I could. Did I have plans for it? Yes I did. Were they perfect? No they weren’t. Nothing is perfect but it can always be damn close if you are willing to try hard enough.

I would’ve given her everything I had. I would have given her everything she asked for.

So if you’re all wondering how this all broke down after everything I will tell you…

I just got out of work from a very long night shift. I got to put away the deputy badge and uniform and got all hyped up for the best weekend ever. Finally a few days away from all stress and everything that takes me away from her. On the drive down I was feeling like a million bucks. I thought to myself “Alex… You got a great girl. You got a great job. You got the help you needed. Doesn’t it feel great to not have any fear of hiding anything anymore? You don’t even lock your phone. You don’t freak out when people take it. You just let it go cause you got nothing to hide anymore. If someone finds something that they don’t like, then all you have to do is be honest and explain yourself.”

So there I was with my bag packed and my hopes higher than any rocket could go. I was on my way to see the girl that makes every single ounce of pain go away in an instant the moment she looks at me. I thought that after all of my struggles of finding out who I was and the lies I used to spread and the deception I gave was over. She was not the reason why. She was just the motivator. The kick starter to all this if you will.

So the first night was amazing. I dropped everything in my hand because I started to lose sensation. The only thing was my heart beat going up to my ears. My knees buckled. I had to hug her. I didn’t need a kiss. I didn’t need a “hello”. I needed her arms around me just like how she needed my arms around her. At that moment we could realize that miles in between were just numbers and that we could beat any number that comes in our way. No distance was too far for either of us.

We laid in bed just talking about our week. It was heaven. I listened to every word she had to say. I took it in. I smiled. I looked over and she smiled. It was awesome.

The next night, being yesterday, we had ourselves a little nap during the thunderstorm. Woke up and we were ready to rally through the day. We were meeting a friend of ours for a nice night out. A local bar is always her hot spot to go to and I was all for it.

We danced. We laughed. We had drinks. Danced some more. Laughed some more.

We had everything going right for us. She even did a rap on karaoke night. I laughed and this time I DID NOT FILM IT! I handed her my phone to show my promise. I said “this is so you know that I won’t film it”. She gave me her cute little giggle and walked off. After she rapped she came up to me and said “Hey cutie. I was just wondering if you were available tonight. I have to go to the bathroom but you think about that answer…”

I laughed and just thought “I have the most amazing person ever. There is not one moment where I feel like I can’t smile around her. I know that I have to earn everything. And I am willing to put in the effort each day to put in that effort.”

She stormed right back to me. My thoughts were “Oh god… Someone was being a b***h to her in the bathroom. Time to man up.”

I said “so my answer is yes!”

She responds “Oh yeah? Want to tell Amber that?”

“What?”

“Yup… Just saw your messages on your phone. You should be more careful on who you talk to and what you say.”

So I looked through my phone. I noticed that I text her what would seem suspicious but her and I always had this running joke that we were “work boyfriend/girlfriend”. Is it appropriate to share? Probably not. But I knew I wasn’t hiding anything from her. I guess humor isn’t shared the same as everyone else. But I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I mean I understand why she was upset. It looks bad when you say things like “Oh your pouty face makes me want to make out with it” but we always called each other “boo” and said “Love you workwhatever” and that’s just how we were. We had our own little inside joke that made us laugh because we knew that it wasn’t real. I never thought about how others would perceive it.

But that wasn’t it. She also saw that I mentioned that during our break the deputies at my department had set me up on a date that I had agreed to take. Did I go on it? No… Why did I agree to it? Because I thought that she was gone for good. I thought that her words of “don’t come back without a plan” were just last goodbye words for me to think about how much I hurt her and how much it will take for me to get her back.

I tried explaining to her that I never went on the date. That Amber was just a friend and I apologized for the way we joke and that on the outside it looks bad, but tried to assure her that it was all in our own selfish humor that stuck with us. She wouldn’t have any of it. Could I blame her? No. But the point was that I wasn’t planning on hiding it from her.

A lot has happened during the break. I just moved to a new city. I just started a new job. I was working on bettering myself. I started seeing someone to talk about my issues with. I wanted to show her that there is no room to be complacent in any of this. She is worth it. She is worth more than what she even knows shes worth. I know what she’s worth. I want her to know what I’m worth. At that moment all she saw was a repeat. All I could think was that I wasn’t trying to hide anything from her.

She went on a date when we were on our break. It was bad and ended bad. But she came straight forward with it the first day I saw her. Why didn’t I? Because I forgot. It’s a crap excuse but that is the reality of it. I didn’t think about the date. It was because the date that I was suppose to go on was the same day I saw her again. That I got reconnected again. Maybe that day I didn’t really listen to her because I was just happy. Happy that I was with her. Happy that no one else could ever replace her. Happy that we were happy. That we could laugh again. That she could feel safe with me again and that I could feel safe with her.

I wish every minute I just said “I had a date set up but I ditched to come see you” but the only thing running in my head was “forget everything but her. She is the one. She is who you want. She is everything that is driving you to become better. She is not the reason, but the goal to make yourself finally feel happy with no fear in the back of your head.”

She is the most honest person ever. And because of my mistake. My forgetfulness. My negligence to tell her what happened during my break ruined it all.

When we got back all we did was argue. Argue like never before. An argument that I could say I have never had with anyone. There were tears. Alcohol. Yelling. Anger. It was all bad. I hated it. I hated every moment. All I could think was “I never hid anything from you. I never even had a doubt that I was hiding anything from you. You clearly saw my texts. My phone was open to you.”

She responded with “but I had to see it before you told me. So you didn’t really hide the truth. You omitted it. You left it out, man. That is hiding the truth in my eyes. And it’s exactly what you do. You hide. You are a coward”

Right then and there my world just buckled. I wanted to leave. Every minute of me wanted to leave. But an even bigger part of me forced me to stay. I refused to accept her words. I refused because I knew that deep down and on the surface that I was to be honest and true to her. I hate that I didn’t tell her, but I never actively tried to hide it. Even if I did have a clue I would’ve deleted that text and everything went that way. But in a way I’m glad she read it. I’m glad because if she hadn’t found it and by somehow I remembered it I felt like by the time I said it it would be too late. I want every bit of me to be known to her. I want her to know that I did try my hardest to fulfill her promise. And to the very end I did my best to show her that regardless of a mistake like that it wasn’t a hidden truth. It was something that was just forgotten and not tucked away. It was always there for her to see. It was there for her to know. It wasn’t going to be trashed and tossed like a guilty conscience.

But what can I do now? I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want any of her to be over. She is what I keep thinking about. She is what motivates me to be a great successful person. Not just for her but for myself. Like I said if I can’t be 100% honest with who I am then I can’t be 100% honest to her. Maybe last night I was at a 99% and the 1% slipped out. Maybe all it takes for someone like her is 1%.

What now? What can I do? Is there anything I can do to show her that it’s not over? That no matter how much she wants this to be over that it wont? That I will always never stop proving to her and myself that truth is hard but I am willing to make it out to be known?

All I can think about isn’t whats next. It’s what she’s feeling. What she is feeling right now and what she will in the future. I don’t want to lose her. I can’t just go running back to her. There’s nothing for me to say or do at this point. Do I wait until I’m a faded memory? Or do I just keep pushing on the fact that every second I wish that I could be her one?

I don’t want to be a faded out memory. I want to be in her arms and let her know that I made a mistake. That I am sorry. That nothing in the world can excuse my forgetfulness and that it wasn’t intentional. That I was so overwhelmed by the joy of seeing her that everything in the past leading up to her and I meeting again got erased by her saying “hello, mister”.

Oddly enough I am still happy I was able to hold her last night on the dance floor. I am still happy I was able to kiss her on the forehead. Because I know that at that moment in time she could say to herself that there is nothing to be worried about.

I need it to be Wednesday. My therapist and I have a lot to talk about. I can’t seem to hold in this pain any longer. I don’t want her to be in pain any longer. I want her back in my arms. I want her to feel my lips on her forehead. I want her to run her fingers down my skin. I want to let her know that everything is okay. That it gets better with time. That we can’t rush things and end things quickly. Nothing should be started and ended at a snap of a finger. That I want her to at least give it some more time. Some more time for her to take in the fact that I am hers for good. That building trust isn’t a two week crash course. It takes years. I want it to take years. I want those years with her. I want so many years to prove to her that I am her one and only.

I want her back… I want her back…