Wednesday was a weird day. I asked my friend to meet up again for just one last time. The only thing I could give her was the truth. There was no more forgiveness, pleading, or begging. None of that would lead us to what actually needed to happen.
So we sat down at one of our favorite bars we used to go to all the time. It was fun at first. I showed her my taser video from my department. We laughed about it and I showed her all my marks and burns from where I got hit. Told her about some guy elbowing me in the face and getting a nasty cut on my lip. She was more concerned as to why the guy was still walking. It was also still a little puffed up. It didn’t hurt that bad.
So the past few days I’ve been through a lot of emotional and physical pain. I’ve literally been beat down to the ground from everything. Amazingly I was still able to get up and walk after all of that.
I finally had to say “well it’s time for that talk…” so we grabbed our drinks and cigarettes and headed to the back patio. We were alone. Luckily it wasn’t that busy. I finally had to say what was impossible. I still can’t even believe that I said what I said. I finally had to agree with her that there is no continuing on with whatever we had. There was no going back. There was no going forward. We just had to part ways.
She told me she kind of wished I hadn’t of said that, but she thanked me for finally being 100% honest with her. The talk was long, but the point of it was we couldn’t keep going on with our rocky start. But I didn’t want to end it there. It was kind of like out of a movie. I went to the change machine, grabbed some quarters, and slammed them on the table. I looked at her with a smile and said “instead of leaving right now, how about we go out with a bang? Let’s play almost every game here. Foosball, pool, or whatever. Lets just keep drinking and have fun. Let our last memory with each other be a fun one”.
Luckily she agreed.
So we played a game of pool. Drank more. We got invited by another group of couples to play pool with them. So we were giving each other funny rude comments about each other shots since we were on a team together. We started to dance to the music. We high fived. We hugged. And the more and more we drank the more closer we got again.
Finally we had to step outside to catch a breath of air. One of the couples were outside and asked us how long we have been together. We looked at each other and said “we aren’t a thing”. They looked really confused. The guy, think his name was Joe, asked why. She said I was a huge d**k. I said it’s cause shes too wild and crazy. We both laughed. Finally a shed of honesty to each other. I think we made the couple weird-ed out because that was the last time they talked to us.
But we went back inside. We danced and hugged for what seemed like one last time. She tried to say something but I just wanted one last kiss. We kissed like it was our first time. She pushed me back a little bit but I pulled her in. I pinned her against the wall. Finally she whispered in my ear “I think we’re drawing a crowd…” I looked at her and whispered back “do you really care? I don’t care. Let them watch”.
We laughed and kissed again.
She then asked if I could stay the night. I had every intention on going home right after the bar. I didn’t see a good reason to stay and prolong the goodbye. But what could be worse. So I followed her home. The entire way I knew it was a bad idea. I thought about turning around and just letting her know that I was gone for good… but I wanted one last night with her. It was already going so well.
So once we got back to her place I wanted at least one last good real laugh. I got my wallet badge and walked right up to her car, tapped on the glass, and said “good evening ma’am. You know why I stopped you?” She just did the whole “Oh, no, officer, no idea why you stopped me. Please do tell”.
It was all in for the last good laugh. We got inside and immediately shed each others clothes off and hopped right in bed. We didn’t say much. Just more of cuddling up to each other. I can’t tell you what she was thinking, but I definitely knew what I was thinking. What if… It was all about the “what if’s” to it. What if I came out clean. What if I didn’t lie. What if I was honest during the entire relationship and just not at the very end. But what if wasn’t helping me. I knew that it was only a matter of hours until I had to go for good. So I just held her close. I pressed my skin up against hers for the last time. And she held my hand for the last time.
My dream was a happy one too. It was all about the laughs we had. The smiles we gave each other. And even dreamed about the last moment we had out in town. Dancing, laughing, drinking, high fives all around. It was great. I woke up happy. Strange since I knew it would be the last time I would see her. But I was happy that I was finally able to do the hardest thing in life. To be truly honest about everything even if it wasn’t in my favor.
I hugged her one last time. She said I’ll be great. Live my life. Be awesome. Be who I am. I told her the very same.
On the way home I still felt that void. That emptiness. But I didn’t feel like I had to immediately fill it. I knew that I could deal with it. It still hurts a little to this day, but it’s not the end of the world. I got all the time in the world to figure out how to spend my life with someone else.
So I went to the gym to do a one on one workout with a good friend of mine. He wanted to introduce me to his new intern. Some fitness running girl who liked to smile and giggle a lot. I could see what he was doing. Maybe the old me would jump on it. Some young college girl who seemed innocent and nice… But I still got a long ways to go until I board that ship again.
My friend seemed surprised that I turned down the lunch invite from her. He was also shocked that she stuck through the workouts with us just so she could ask me. I didn’t give it a firm “no”. I just told her I had already made “plans” but maybe another time. My buddy was like “wow… that is not like you. Usually you would be saying ‘peace out, buddy’ and off you go… kudos man. Seems like you grew up a little bit”. My friend ended it with “you break her heart, I break you” and he’s a weight lifting competitor. Can’t fight against that one.
But in time I’ll figure it all out. I’ll find out what it really means to be in a relationship. Until then I’ll keep doing what I do best. I’ll keep working on this. Both physically and mentally. And the best part is once I feel like I’ve perfected it I’ll look like a shining star. All muscular and clear minded on exactly what I want and 100% honest.
What girl wouldn’t want that?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks 🙂 It wasn’t easy, but I got through it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I need to do the same…It hasn’t been easy at all to make up my mind and then do it. I keep getting sucked right back into what I really “think is” and not seeing the relationship as it is. Thanks for your post.